


Just A Gigolo / I Ain't Got Nobody

by Penguina



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Oswald Cobblepot, Barbara hires Ed to seduce Oswald, Bisexual Edward Nygma, Deception, Demisexual Oswald Cobblepot, Edward Nygma is a gigolo, Falling In Love, First Time, Forgiveness, Friendship, Happy Ending, Jealous Edward Nygma, Love, M/M, Nygmobblepot, POV Edward Nygma, POV Oswald Cobblepot, Shy Oswald Cobblepot, Sofia Falcone being Sofia Falcone, Stubborn Oswald Cobblepot, The Iceberg Lounge, Trust, Trust Issues, lots of feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-01 17:18:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 33,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14525496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Penguina/pseuds/Penguina
Summary: Oswald Cobblepot, aka the Penguin, is known for his short temper and massive tantrums. His huge trust issues made him reluctant to let anyone get close to him emotionally or physically. Until one day he meets a handsome stranger -- Edward Nygma. The persistent young man manages to earn Oswald’s trust and Oswald realizes he’s fallen in love with him. However, what he doesn’t know is that Edward is a gigolo, hired by Barbara Kean to seduce him.Inspired byLouis Prima’s song Just A Gigolo / I Ain’t Got Nobodythat they used in Gotham for Ed in 2x04.Gigolo: a young man paid or financially supported to be an escort or lover. Or basically a more fancy term for male prostitute.





	1. Just a Gigolo

Nothing ever surprised Edward Nygma. He had seen a lot in his life, lived through so much and survived. Even though he was a young man of 29, he had bigger life experiences than most 80 year olds. His smarts, his natural good looks and his charm were his weapons. His confidence matched his intellect. He was something to behold! He wasn’t always so assured in his own skills, he’d been quite the nervous wreck only a few years ago, with low self-esteem and lots of issues, but life was a good teacher. Ed learned his lessons, he won his battles against his anxiety and he now felt like he was ready to face anything. 

Until Barbara Kean approached him, that is. 

Barbara Kean had a reputation. Ed had never met her in person until that day but he knew who she was. Working for the notorious criminal kingpin known as Penguin, officially nothing but a manager of his club The Iceberg Lounge, yet famously dangerous ex-Arkham inmate, she was not someone to be trifled with. And now  _ that  _ Barbara Kean was at the Riddle Factory -- the Narrows club Ed spent his every night in. 

“Are you Edward Nygma? The gigolo?” she asked, giving him an assessing look, head to toe. 

Ed turned around with a smirk on his face, holding his grasshopper drink in one hand. “Why, yes, indeed, I am.” he said seductively. Flirting was his default by now. 

Barbara Kean did not seem too impressed. She secretly found Edward rather a cold fish for her tastes. “I need your services.” she announced, instead. 

“I would  _ love  _ nothing more.” Ed gave her a charming smile, taking her manicured hand in his for a kiss only to be lightly punched in the nose. 

“Keep your socks on, it’s not for me.” she said. 

“Oh?” he straightened up, fixing his green tie. “For a friend then?” 

Barbara nodded. “Sort of.” There was something nervous about her behavior, which, if one was to believe rumours, wasn’t customary for her. “My boss.” she clarified. “He’s-- well, he’s  _ stubborn _ . And he won’t admit he needs…  _ attention _ . He refuses to date and he never lets anyone get close to him, emotionally or physically. But trust me, he needs to get laid. Desperately!” 

“He’s desperate?” 

“No, he’s not desperate.  _ We’re  _ desperate. His employees.” she huffed. “He’s unbearable! Completely unbearable! He yells at everyone all the time! We can hardly take it any longer! He needs to chill!” 

“So you want me to--” 

“Woo him. Seduce him. Do whatever it takes just  _ calm him down _ .” She fixed her perfect hair. “He won’t let anyone do that for him but I was hoping perhaps a professional might be able to…  _ stir his interest  _ ?” 

Ed held his hand up with a smile. “Say no more. Consider it done. I know just what boys like.” 

Barbara sighed again, not particularly convinced. “He’s a tough nut to crack.” she warned. “I must warn you he won’t take kindly to your advances.” 

“I see… This is beginning to bother me slightly.” Ed said with a thoughtful frown. “Usually my clients are very much willing and consenting to experience the experience of romance that I’m allowing them to experience.” 

Barbara arched an eyebrow. Was this guy really  _ ‘the best’  _ ? Why did Isabella suggest him again? 

“You understand what I mean.” Ed waved his hand about (the one that wasn’t still holding his grasshopper, that is). 

Barbara sighed exasperated. “I’m not asking you to rape him. Just be more persistent. Wear him down. He’s not made of stone, he just has a lot of trust issues. Once you manage to get past those, he’s actually quite sweet and emotional.” 

“Mhm.” Ed hummed. “And in order to walk past his trust issues you want me to--” 

“Lie to him. That’s right.” Barbara nodded. 

“You realize the ridiculousness of this situation, don’t you?” Ed arched an eyebrow. “Gain trust by lying?” 

Barbara ignored his remark. “I want you to pretend you actually want him. Don’t, under any circumstances, tell him I hired you for this! Or we’ll both get into more trouble than we can handle.” 

Edward swallowed, turning around. It felt rather wrong to ambush the guy like that. Besides, Ed had a perfectly good thing going here. This guy sounded like a lot of effort and for what? No, Ed knew an impossible task when he saw one. “I’m not sure that’s my thing.” he said out loud. 

“Hey, if you think you can’t seduce him, that’s fine. I get it. You can’t handle him. Some things are just  _ impossible  _ for  _ certain  _ people. So if you fear you’re not up for it...” 

That was an attack on Ed’s pride. “I can seduce anyone I choose!” he insisted. “No one can resist me. The art of romance is in my bones!” 

Barbara smirked. “Good. Then we have a deal?” 

Ed considered it one more time. It wasn’t his usual thing but it was quite a challenge. He nodded and shook her hand. “We have a deal!” 

It was more than just a job now, it was a mission! Ed was the best and he’d prove it! 

“So how old is your boss?” 

“35-36? He looks youthful though. Here’s a picture of him. You’ve probably seen him on newspapers or TV.” Barbara said. “He’s a bit bird-like looking but he’s not too bad, I’d say.” 

Edward glanced down at the picture she was holding for him and a smile spread across his face. Oh, he can work with that. 

~*~ 

Oswald entered his club -- the famous Iceberg Lounge -- only to notice all the tiny imperfections that his staff had allowed to linger on after last night’s escapades. 

“Barbara!” he called out loudly. “Barbara, come here this instant!” 

“Oswald! You’re early.” Barbara greeted him with a smile, already sensing his irritation and hoping it won’t blow out of proportions. Again.  

“Barbara, is that a  _ dirty glass  _ I’m seeing on that table over there?” Oswald asked, his smile deceptively polite. 

Barbara looked at the table. “It is. Huh. How did it get there?” She forced a carefree laughter. 

“The question is why hasn’t it been removed yet?” Oswald said, the smile still on his face even as his voice sounded biting and terrifying. 

“It will be.” Barbara assured. “There are still 2 hours before opening time.” 

He sighed exasperated, limping away from her as he raised his voice. “Need I remind you that everything needs to be spotless. This is a respectable club. We have a reputation to uphold. You had a  _ whole day  _ to prepare. Why leave everything for the last minute?” 

“It’s not everything, it’s just  _ one glass _ .” Barbara mumbled. 

He shot her a murderous look. “Oh, one glass?  _ Just one glass???  _ Do you know how a snowstorm begins, Barbara? With just  _ one snowflake!  _ And then it’s too late!”

“I’m not sure--” 

“One cut and the next thing you know, you’re dead. One drop of blood and the sharks can smell you! One bullet and your heart stops.  _ One  _ is all it takes!” he hissed, leaning heavily on his cane. 

_ His leg must be giving him some extra pains today _ , Barbara thought. 

“This place _ has to be  _ perfect because we’re the best! Now go and make it perfect!” Oswald yelled. 

“Of course, Oswald.” Barbara nodded and rushed to personally remove the unfortunate glass from the table. 

Oswald let out an exasperated sigh and limped towards the bar. 

“The usual, boss?” Kevin the bartender asked. 

Oswald nodded and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. He was tired. So very tired. No one really cared about the Iceberg Lounge as much as he did. No one understood how important even the tiniest of details were. If it weren’t for Oswald those idiots would let the whole thing fall to pieces. Morons. 

“There you go, sir.” Kevin said, placing the drink in front of him. “Anything else?” 

Oswald shook his head. “Not tonight, Kevin. Thank you.” he muttered. 

Kevin nodded and disappeared to the other end of the bar. 

Oswald sipped from his drink and took another look at the club. It was luxurious, beautiful, artistic and clever. Stylish and classy. His mother would’ve liked it. There were ice statues as a decoration. Those were expensive but Oswald wanted the best for his club. Ice was in the name, after all. One had to show some elegance. 

He grimaced. The stupid weather was causing more pain in his leg than usual. He rubbed absentmindedly at his knee before retreating to his office. There, in private and in peace, he relaxed into his huge throne-like chair and massaged his ankle, the true source of his current agony. 

“Mr. Penn!” He called out. 

As if by magic, Mr. Penn -- a small middle aged man with tiny round spectacles on his nose and nervous twitchy movements -- instantly appeared at the door. 

“Ice, please.” Oswald instructed. 

Mr. Penn nodded quickly and a couple of minutes later the ice pack was already resting on Oswald’s ankle. That at least, lessened his discomfort slightly. It wasn’t enough but it was the best he could have at the moment. 

“Alright, Mr. Penn.” Oswald then said. “I’m ready for your report.” 

~*~  

Ed arrived at The Iceberg Lounge at exactly 10:30pm. He managed to get in at midnight. Waiting in line was not what he was expecting but this was no regular job. This was as much a matter of money (the payment was quite generous in this case) as it was a matter of ego. He wanted to prove to himself, to Barbara and consequently to the world, that he could seduce _anyone_ , even the great and powerful Oswald Cobblepot, aka Penguin, who honestly sounded like the Scrooge of Romance. It was about Ed’s reputation as the self-proclaimed Master of Love and he was not going to fail. 

When he finally entered the club, he took in the view, the people, the interior. Breathed in the atmosphere, so to speak. It was an impressive place, no doubt. One could tell a lot about a person by the stuff they keep around. And Edward knew for a fact that Mr. Penguin here was very much personally involved in creating and designing this club. Seeing The Iceberg Lounge was like indirectly meeting the man himself. 

Ed’s eyes fell on the bar and naturally that was where he went first. As he ordered his grasshopper, he took another look around. There seemed to be no sign of Oswald Cobblepot yet but according to Barbara he was always at the Lounge because ‘he had no life of his own’. Perhaps he didn’t always mingle with the guests though, Ed thought. 

Just as he started wondering about this, his phone buzzed with a text from Barbara.  

_ He’s in his office. He won’t come out tonight. I guess the mission will be postponed for tomorrow. BK _

Ed groaned. He didn’t come all the way here for _nothing_! Waited in line for almost two hours for _nothing_ ! If Penguin wasn’t willing to see anybody, then Edward had to take matters in his own hands. 

With one swift movement of his quite flexible body Ed Nygma lifted himself up from his chair to stand on top of the bar and walk on top of it as if it were his stage. No one but the bartender noticed him at first but as he kept walking more gasps and awes surrounded him, getting louder and louder until he had the audience’s full attention. He did love that. He never could resist a touch of the dramatic.

He began to dance and twirl theatrically on top of the bar, ignoring the bartender’s horror and the few waiters and waitresses’ remarking that he had to  _ get down now _ . True to himself, Edward ignored them. 

“Am I a plane? Noooo! Am I Superman? Nooo! Am I the twister? Hell, nooo! What am I? What am I? Why, I believe I’m a--  _ bird  _ !” Ed gasped dramatically and his movements suddenly changed as he started imitating different bird-behavior. “ _ Even though I have two wings, I’m a bird that cannot fly, I often like to swim though, And on ice is where I dry.  _ Quickly tell me what am I?” He asked cheerfully and loud enough to be heard throughout the club. 

At that point two large goons appeared by the bar. They took Ed down and were about to throw him out when Barbara suddenly showed up. 

“What the hell!?” She hissed at him. “I hope you realize that you can  _ never come to this place again _ after what you just did!” 

Ed only smirked. She was so transparent, obviously worried that Penguin would ban Nygma from his club and that would put an end to their mission. But Ed wasn’t too worried about it. 

“Oh, I’m not so sure about that.” he smirked as he noticed a nervous looking little man with small glasses run quickly to them. 

“Mr. Cobblepot wishes this person to be taken to his quarters immediately.” the little man announced rather theatrically. He reminded Ed of a royal chamberlain, fussing about, desperate to please his monarch. The order was very welcome, however. Ed grinned at Barbara’s stunned face as he was taken to Penguin by the two goons. 

~*~ 

Oswald was irritated. The pain in his leg was not getting any better. He was surrounded by people who’d never understand him, secret enemies everywhere, people who would betray him in the blink of an eye. It had happened so often in his life he hardly believed trust was a real thing anymore, nothing but an abstract unattainable concept. His self-preservation instinct, bordering on paranoia, made him doubt even the one person that showed actual kindness to him. But she was a matter for another time. He had more pressing things to give his attention to at this moment. Like that idiot who was currently making fun of him in his own club. Who wouldn’t be irritated by that? Annoyed and bored, Oswald decided to take his frustration out on the mindless fool who thought laughing at the Penguin was a good idea. 

Less than two minutes later, the culprit was brought to his office and forced down to his knees. His hands were tied up behind his back but he was unharmed, not even punched in the stomach even though he clearly deserved it. 

Oswald waved his goons to leave them alone and then he took a better look at the man before him. He was obviously quite tall (a beanpole one might say), well-dressed (even though the green was rather too excessive for Oswald’s liking), he had a nice face and his hair was stylishly combed back. Oswald didn’t know him, had no idea who he worked for, if anyone, so why would a man like that want to mock Penguin was a mystery. Furthermore, it made no sense. There was nothing to be gained by irritating the king of Gotham. What was this beanpole’s goal? He was definitely not doing it just for fun, a man like that would not mess around with Oswald for no reason. This guy wanted Oswald’s attention. And now he’d gotten it. 

“So you met me, like you wanted. Now what?” Oswald asked nonchalantly. 

The man’s eyes widened slightly. “How did you kno--?” 

The corners of Oswald’s lips curled up in a beginning of a smirk. “I’m not an idiot. I can tell when someone’s desperate for my attention. Now tell me what this is all about?” 

The man quickly regained his previous composure. “Well, for starters perhaps you could untie me?” 

The green beanpole sounded amused. He was different than the other people Oswald usually crossed paths with. None of them ever looked at him the way that man did. Oswald couldn’t quite read the look yet. It was enough to intrigue him a little. 

“Hmm, no. I prefer you tied up.” Oswald said.  

The man smirked. “My, my. I had no idea you were into that, Mr. Penguin.” 

Oswald frowned. “Into what?” 

“Tying people up.” 

Oswald waved his hand about. “It’s a matter of safety. I don’t trust people who think it funny to ridicule me in my own club.” 

Green beanpole chuckled. “Safety comes first for me too.” he assured, still looking quite amused as if sharing an inside joke with himself. “I’m Ed, by the way. Edward Nygma.” 

The name meant nothing to Oswald. He was either giving a fake name, or he was new to the Underworld. 

“Okay. And what do you want from me, Edward Nygma?” Oswald leaned into his chair, making himself comfortable. 

“As you said, I wanted to see you.” 

“You have. Anything else?” 

Edward Nygma shook his head nonchalantly. “No. I was just curious.” 

“About?” 

“I’ve heard so much about you. I wanted to know if you’re what I imagined.” 

Oswald arched both eyebrows. “And am I?” 

Mr. Nygma chuckled. “I haven’t seen  _ all of you _ yet.” 

Something in the way he said it made Oswald feel uneasy. For a moment he was unsure what to say. Edward Nygma took advantage of the silence to speak again. 

“ _ It’s cold and icy where we live, So we have to huddle in tight, We have wings but we cannot fly, So we can’t soar to a great height. _ ” he said, thoughtfully. “Who do  _ you huddle with _ , Mr. Penguin?” 

Oswald was taken aback. “What?” 

“It’s a riddle about penguins. I wondered how much in common you have with them. You know, being called the Penguin and all that.” 

Oswald let out an exasperated sigh. “I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve here--” 

“Just making conversation.” Edward supplied with a cheerful smile. 

“-- but you’re not succeeding.” Oswald continued firmly. “You can go this time. But let this not happen again. I don’t want your nonsense in my club.” 

“But what if I need to see you again?” Edward asked. 

“Why would you need to see me?” 

“I like you and I’d like to kiss you.” 

“Please.” Oswald snorted, his amusement cynical. “We have absolutely no reason to see one another ever again. I let you go now and you never get in my face again. That’s the deal.” 

Edward Nygma considered Oswald’s words for a moment, then shrugged.  _ “Friends have often asked me, why don't you retire? I answer very simply, I'm not ready to expire!” _

“Another riddle.” Oswald sighed tiredly. “Whatever. Just go. My men will untie you on your way out. Goodbye, Mr. Nygma!” 

~*~  

“Oswald, you look tense again.” Sofia’s hand rested on his arm, giving him a gentle rub. 

He looked at it rather surprised but then again she often did that. Small little touches, not too much but still baring the vibe of intimacy. He was unusused to those but she was slowly warming him up to them. 

“You won’t believe the day I had.” he sighed. 

She took a step away from him, sitting on the sofa and tapping the seat next to her. “Do you need to share?” 

He wasn’t sure if that was a good idea. He’d already gotten into the habit of sharing too much with Sofia Falcone, used to her presence and accustomed to her comforting him whenever he needed a friendly ear. Before too long he suddenly realized it was becoming gradually more difficult for him to just not tell her things. It had only been a month or so since she arrived in Gotham but already she was a regular visitor, a friend even. At least she called herself his friend. Oswald still couldn’t allow himself to trust her completely. And yet he really wanted to surrender and believe her behavior around him wasn’t just an act. It was like he was having an internal conflict with himself, a part of him working against his better judgement. He’d been so alone for so long and then there she was, waltzing into his life, fresh like Spring, bringing the smell of flowers and beauty with her cute hats and lace gloves, her intelligence and her dedication to the orphanage she established in Gotham, her understanding eyes, clever wits and soft smile. Her entire persona was almost like something out of a fictional novel, or a breath from the past, a breeze from a better simpler and more elegant time. 

“Oswald?” she tilted her head, giving him a look of concern. He had been quiet for too long. 

“I’m fine. Just tired.” he said, limping towards the sofa and sitting next to Sofia with a grunt. “It’s nothing.” 

“You work too much. And you hardly ever take your time to simply relax.” she said, her voice so calm and gentle, caring and  _ motherly _ . “There’s more to life than just business, Oswald.” 

Oswald exhaled slowly. “Yes. You’re right. I suppose…” 

“Why don’t we go outside today? It’d be a nice change for you.” 

Oswald frowned. “Outside?” 

“You know, fresh air. A walk in nature.” 

“I’m not sure…” 

“We can bring blankets to rest if your leg starts hurting too much.” she added quickly, thoughtfully. “We could have lunch in the park.” 

“You’re suggesting a picnic.” Oswald said, chuckling to himself. “You could’ve just said so.” 

She smiled, a combination of shy and clever. “I wasn’t sure you’d agree to it if I said the word.” 

This time he laughed fully. “Well, why not? Let’s see how it goes. A picnic it is.” 

“Wonderful! I’ll get everything ready!” she beamed at him, her hand rested casually on his knee for a second before she sprang up from the sofa, excited to prepare everything for their picnic. 

~*~ 

_ “My wings are used as flippers, So in water I can flow, Sometimes when on land I slide, On my belly in the snow.” _ Ed announced loudly. He was back on top of the bar, gathering audience in the Iceberg Lounge. 

Less than a second later Oswald’s goons took him to Oswald’s office. Again. 

“What are you thinking!? Doing that a second time? Don’t you ever learn!?” Oswald yelled, pacing agitatedly around Ed who was this time sat on a chair. 

“Why are you acting so surprised? Didn’t you understand riddle I told you the last time we spoke?”

Oswald grimaced. “Do you think I even bothered with it?” 

Edward groaned with an eye roll. “Well, that’s entirely on you. I did warn you.  _ ‘Friends have often asked me, why don't you retire? I answer very simply, I'm not ready to expire’ _ . The answer is Perseverance. And it means I’m not giving up.” 

“Not giving up  _ on what  _ ?” Oswald gasped. “Mocking me with penguin riddles?” 

“Well, you refuse to give me your number so that I can call you like a normal person. What was I supposed to do? I needed your attention so I got it the way I know how.” Nygma said, then added with a smile. “You must admit it works better than the traditional methods.”  

Oswald exhaled, clenching his fists. “You can’t keep doing that. You do realize what I could do to you, don’t you?”  

“I needed to see you.” Edward insisted. 

“Why? What do you want from me? Why do you keep coming here?” Oswald was utterly confused and getting quite impatient. 

Edward looked at him for a moment and then said, “ _ Useless for one, but absolute bliss to two. What am I? _ ” 

“Pardon?” 

“It’s a riddle.”

“Not again.” Oswald whispered, more to himself than to Ed. 

“Does that mean you give up?” 

“Not even trying to guess it.” 

“The answer is a kiss.”

Oswald pursed his lips. “Sorry, what?” 

“A kiss.” 

“You want a kiss.” 

“Yep.” Edward nodded cheerfully. “Preferably from you.”  

Oswald laughed. “You do realize that is  _ not  _ going to happen.” 

“Oh, I’m not so sure about that.” Ed shook his head. 

“Indeed?” Penguin waddled to sit behind his desk again. “And how would you change my mind?” 

“I wouldn’t. You already want to kiss me.” 

“Pfft. Yes, right.” 

“Oh, you do. Since the moment I told you I wanted to kiss you, you started wondering what it would be like.” Edward smirked. “Admit it.” 

Oswald blinked for a moment before shaking his head. “That’s ridiculous.” 

“Fine then. How about we make a bet?” Edward suggested. 

“I’m not a gambling man, Mr. Nygma.” 

“How about a riddle then?” 

“I don’t like riddles.” 

Edward groaned. “You don’t like kisses, you don’t like riddles, you don’t like gambling. What do you like?” 

Oswald leaned on his desk a little to look Nygma in the eyes. “Being on my own. I do love that.”  

Ed frowned. “It doesn’t sound like much fun.” 

“I am fun, so I make myself quite a good company.” 

“That sounds-- pathetic really.” Ed said unimpressed.  

Oswald’s lips were a tight line, his eyes wide and looking almost mad as he inhaled sharply. “If I’m pathetic why do you want to kiss me?” he barked. 

Edward only smirked again, unbothered by Oswald raising his voice. “Perhaps I am a gambling man, Mr. Penguin. Perhaps I made a bet that I want to win.” 

Oswald arched an eyebrow. “You made a bet that I’d let you kiss me?” 

“I never said I did. I said  _ perhaps _ .” 

“You’re just trying to trick me and I must admit it  _ is  _ rather amusing that you think you could succeed but…” 

“See?  _ Amusing  _ !” Ed beamed at him. “You already like me! And you don’t want to kill me, even though I annoyed you twice. Progress! Not to mention a great start.” 

“A great start for what?” 

“For  _ us _ .” 

“You’re insane.” Oswald sighed tiredly. 

“Maybe. But I’m aslo positive that you’re going to miss me when I’m not around.” 

“I sincerely doubt that.” Oswald snorted. 

Ed grinned. “Oh, you’re even going to miss my riddles.” 

~*~ 

Penguin let him go again with just another warning to never come to his club and cause a riddle fuss. Three days later Ed met with Barbara at his usual place -- The Riddle Factory. She looked rather irritated. 

“It doesn’t seem to be getting any better. He’s never been this angry in his life!” Barbara complained. “What did you do to him? You were supposed to calm him down, not rile him up even more!” 

“He’s frustrated, that’s different.” Ed replied. “It’s a good thing.” 

“How is it different? And how is it a good thing? He’s giving us hell! That’s exactly what we wanted to avoid, remember?” 

“He’s frustrated because he wants something but he doesn’t know what it is yet.” Ed explained calmly. 

“So?” Barbara groaned. 

“So.” Ed leaned in closer to her ear. “The something he wants is me.” he whispered and then pulled back with a wide grin. “He misses me!” 

“Oh!” Barbara’s anger melted away. 

“Yeah.” The grin on his face turned into a smug smile as he casually sipped from his grasshopper like a diva. He was quite pleased with himself. He’d managed to stir Penguin’s curiosity in only two meetings. That was progress. True, it was not quite the interest he was  _ hoping  _ to stir, but still he got Penguin curious about him which was a good start. 

“So what are you waiting for? Make your move already!” 

He hummed. “It’s not so easy with Penguin. I have to be extra careful with him. He’s stubborn.” 

“Told you he was.” Barbara rolled her eyes. 

“I shouldn’t be too much in his face because eventually he’ll just get annoyed with me and shoot me. Yet I have to be close enough to remind him of myself and what might be.” 

Barbara snorted. “So what, you’re gonna split yourself in two?” 

Ed gave her a look. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m going to be there and not be there at the same time.” 

She frowned. “Well, I’m glad you cleared that out.” 

He smirked. “I’m already doing it.” 

Barbara was unimpressed. 

Ed leaned in closer to her and whispered conspiratorially. “For the last two nights I’ve been sending guys who look like me -- tall, thin, same hairstyle, glasses, green clothes. They stay in the Lounge long enough for him to notice. Then they leave. It’s just a little reminder of me, enough to tease him, but not enough to let him relax. He won’t be able to help feeling disappointed that I’m not there myself.”

“How can you be sure he’s even noticed them?” Barbara asked. 

Ed smirked into his drink. “He’s getting more frustrated, isn't he?” 

Barbara grinned. “So it’s working! Good! Because I’m really sick and tired of getting yelled at constantly.” 

“Why are you still working for him then? Surely you could get out of it if you wanted to.” Ed asked, curious. 

Barbara sighed. “It’s complicated. Oswald and I, we have history.” 

“... Oh?” 

“Not  _ that  _ kind of history!” she hurried to say with a grimace. “We’re friends.” 

“But you hate him.” 

“I don’t  _ hate  _ him. I just get annoyed when he’s throwing hissy fits. But I don’t hate him. I like him. One might say I even care about him.” 

Ed hummed. “I see.” 

Barbara finished her drink. “Well, I’d better be off then. You keep up the good work!” 

“Oh, just one last thing!” Ed handed her a piece of paper. “Could you make sure this gets to him? It’s my phone number. Tell him a tall handsome guy left it for him without saying a word.” 

Barbara snorted. “You expect Penguin to call you?” 

“Yes.” 

“Penguin doesn’t pursue people like that. He simply doesn’t.” 

“I’m not people. I made an impression and he misses me, whether he likes it or not.” 

“I doubt it. But you’re supposedly the expert.” she shrugged and put the piece of paper in her purse. 

~*~   

“Ozzy! Good news!” Barbara burst into his office. 

Oswald jumped startled in his chair, hurriedly putting something out of sight under one of the folders on his desk. Barbara thought she took a glimpse of a familiar piece of paper -- the one she herself had given Oswald earlier at Ed’s request -- but decided to ignore it. 

“Everything alright?” she asked instead, closing the door behind her. 

“Don’t you know how to knock?” Oswald scolded. “I might’ve been busy here.” 

She chuckled, sitting on his desk and crossing one leg over the other. “You’re always busy. But it’s not the kind of busy to make me wanna knock on your door.” 

“I could’ve been murdering someone.” 

“I’ve seen you kill, Ozzy. I don’t mind.” she smiled with a tilt of her head.  

He rolled his eyes and sat back in his huge armchair. “What do you want? What’s this good news you mentioned?” 

“Oh, right! The good news, Bruce Wayne is planning to have a small celebration here in the Lounge tonight with a group of friends. And when I say ‘small’ I mean the multi-billionaire kinda small.” 

“Okay. That’s good.”

Her smile faded. “You don’t look thrilled. Why aren’t you thrilled?” 

“Bruce Wayne and his insanely large bank account are more than welcome in my club. But it’s hardly the news of the century. My club’s the best place to be in Gotham.” 

“True. But still I think it’s nice to have Bruce Wayne here. He’s not a notorious criminal so that’d be a nice change. A good opportunity to prove that not just the mobsters visit us.” 

“Well, I’m sure you can handle it.” Oswald said. 

“Wait, what?” Barbara blinked surprised, not believing her ears. “You’re letting me handle this on my own?” 

“You usually do that sort of things, right? You can handle it.” he said. “Just make sure everything is tip top.” 

“Well, yes but… you always come to check up on me, supervise,  _ yell _ .” 

“I’m sure this time that won’t be necessary.” 

He sounded so… _ not intense _ . Barbara couldn’t even find the proper word to describe how weird his calmness was. She realized she was gaping at him and quickly shut her mouth. “Well, alright. I can do this.” 

“I know you can.” 

She hesitated for a moment and then asked, “Will you even be at the club tonight?” 

“I might. I’m not sure yet.” Oswald said, thoughtfully, his fingertips finding their way to the top folder on his desk and tracing invisible patterns there. 

Barbara realized that this was the same folder under which Penguin had quickly shoved the piece of paper when she entered his office. Could it be that Penguin would--? 

“Alright, Oswald. I’ll take care of everything! You can count on me!” she beamed. 

“I better.” he muttered. 

“See you around!” she waved him goodbye and headed to the door. 

She almost expected him to stop her and explode again, throw another tantrum and yell like crazy. He seemed too calm to actually be calm, too distracted. But nothing of the sort happened. Oswald didn’t even bother to look her way. As she was closing the door she took another quick glance at her boss. He took out the piece of paper under the folder and looked at it as if trying to make a decision. Barbara smiled and closed the door. 

~*~  

“Edward Nygma?” 

“Yes, this is Edward Nygma. You’ve reached me, congratulations to you.” 

“This is Oswald Cobblepot.” 

“Oh! Mr. Penguin! What a lovely surprise! Should I pretend I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon?” 

Oswald huffed into the phone. “You left me your number.” he said pointedly. “So what do you want?” 

“Nothing. I left my number in case you wanted to contact me.” 

Oswald frowned. “Well, I don’t want to contact you.” 

“But you just did.” 

Oswald could hear the other man’s grin over the phone. 

“Only because I didn’t want you to come attracting my attention in your usual way!” he gasped. “On the bar! With stupid riddles!” 

Ed laughed cheerfully. “Always so thoughtful!” 

There was a small pause and then Oswald spoke again, more tentatively this time. “Since I called anyway I might as well ask. Are you planning on popping by the Lounge any time soon?” 

“Mmm, why are you asking?” 

“I’d like to be prepared if you decide to make another scene.” 

“Should I?” 

“No.” 

“Is this an invitation to the Lounge?” 

“No!” Oswald sucked in a deep calming breath. “As I said,” he continued slower, “as the owner I need to know who comes in my club.” 

“So you want me to visit?” Edward asked quickly. 

“No! I just wanted to know! In case you  _ do  _ come! I don’t care where you go!” Oswald lost his temper again. 

Another short silence and then he heard a hum from Edward. Oswald bit his lower lip. “So do you go asking riddles in other clubs or…?”  

Ed laughed. “You’re so transparent, do you know that?” he asked. His voice sounded rather fond. 

There was a short silence on the other end of the line and for a moment he thought he crossed a line and Oswald would hang up. But then, 

“I realized I’m not entirely opposed to your company.” Penguin said, sounding almost vulnerable. “So I was wondering if you’d like to come by again.” 

Ed smiled, softer and not so predatorily this time. “Well, in that case I think I might pop by tonight.” 

“Alright!” Oswald said quickly, nervously. “We can have dinner together.” 

“Dinner?” 

“For… you know… food.” 

“Yes, food is something most humans enjoy.” Ed allowed. He was only lowkey teasing Penguin now. 

“And I must make it clear that this is by no means a date!” Oswald warned firmly. “It has  _ nothing  _ to do with kissing and I’m in  _ no way _ interested in  _ that _ .” 

“Okay.” Ed grinned again. This was amusing.  

“You’re fine with that?”

“I am.” 

“Good. I’ll see you tonight then.” Oswald said, sounding relieved. 

“See you tonight.” Ed promised and hung up. 

Well, this went in an interesting direction. He hadn’t expected Penguin to ask him out on a dinner-not-date with kissing completely off the table. But it was a good start. 

~*~  

Ed checked his reflection in the mirror one last time. He wanted to look good for his dinner-not-date with Penguin. It was highly likely this was the man’s first date in a really long time, possibly ever, so Ed felt it his obligation to make the experience good for him. Of course, it didn’t hurt that he was also getting generously paid for it. He could definitely endure the neurotic little man with his twitchy fingers, expressive face, his funny, breathy voice,  _ and  _ make it good for him for what Barbara was paying him. And if he had to be honest, the whole thing was rather amusing too. Testing his own abilities with a man like Penguin. Playing with fire. Ed liked games. 

Oswald was on time for their dinner outing, as one might expect. Being late would’ve been rude and Oswald was after all a gentleman. Or at least definitely dressed like one. 

“Wow! You’re so overdressed!” Ed grinned when he saw Penguin with his proper three-piece suit, a tie pin, cufflinks, shiny shoes and all, his hair spiked up, cane in hand. He looked like something out of a Victorian novel. 

Penguin rolled his eyes rather exasperated. “I’m always overdressed. You should know that by now.” 

Ed laughed. “That’s cute.” 

The words slipped out of him on their own accord, which only made them sound more sincere. Cobblepot bit back what Ed supposed was a smile and nudged him towards the car. 

They went to a restaurant Oswald favored. There was a table waiting for them and Ed couldn’t help feeling impressed that Oswald managed to get it reserved on such short notice. People probably waited months to get a table at this place but Oswald could come here on a whim and always have a table at his disposal. Ed wished to deny to himself that the show of power excited him but there was no use for that -- power was a huge turn on for him and it definitely upgraded Oswald to one of Ed’s favorite clients. 

“You come here often?” he asked when they were settled. 

“My reputation precedes me.” Was Oswald’s reply. Which technically wasn’t a yes or a no. “So how does this go?” 

“Having dinner? We eat, we drink,  _ we mmingle _ . That’s how.” Ed raised his drink. 

Oswald smiled but it was more a reflex to mask his true emotions, than a genuine smile. “I meant, how does our acquaintance proceed from here on?” 

Their acquaintance? Was this guy for real? Who even talked like that, the queen? 

“Ah. Well, our  _ acquaintance _ from here on proceeds by offering us feelings of fulfillment and ecstasy, I hope.” Ed replied, a smirk gracing his face. 

A faint blush spread across Cobblepot’s face and Ed couldn’t help his satisfaction upon that sight. He, Edward Nygma, managed to make a notorious crime boss, one of the most dangerous men in Gotham, the man who practically  _ owned  _ Gotham, blush like a schoolboy. This dinner was rewarding in more ways than just one. 

Penguin cleared his throat. “You keep adding a certain dose of innuendo to your words that I am not too fond of.” he said. 

“It’s like you’ve stepped out from another century.” Ed said, doing his best to sound smitten. 

“I was raised to be a gentleman.” Oswald shrugged. 

“And my flirting makes you feel disgusted?” 

“I’m not disgusted.” Oswald said quickly. 

“Uncomfortable then.” Ed supplied. 

Oswald scrunched his nose. “That would be a better word than disgusted but not quite accurate either.” 

“What word would you use?” 

“Apprehensive.” 

“Apprehensive. Why? Does it bother you that I’m attracted to men?” 

“No. I don’t mind that.” 

The smirk on Ed’s face grew wider, more predatory. “Does it bother you that I’m attracted to  _ you  _ ?” 

That got Penguin to blush considerably more. 

“Oh! So that’s it, isn’t it?” Ed did not bother to hide his pleasure at the revelation. 

“It doesn’t bother me, I just don’t get it.” Oswald muttered. 

“And what, pray, don’t you get? That I find you attractive?” 

Penguin opened his mouth as if to say something but then noticed the waiter approaching and smiled with visible relief. “Ah! Our food!” 

Ed chuckled to himself and let the Penguin off the hook, for now. 

When the food was served they discussed their favorite meals, Oswald mentioned his mother’s cooking which apparently was the best, Ed admitted that he himself was a pretty decent cook and for a moment there was a flirtatious smile on Oswald’s face as he said that perhaps he’d like to taste it sometime. It was most likely a slip of the tongue but Ed still beamed at the other man. 

“Why, Mr. Penguin! Was that you flirting?” 

Catching up with his words and tone of voice, Oswald inhaled sharply through his nose and pursed his lips. “No.” he said flustered. 

Ed decided not to tease him more about it but he made a mental note to himself that blushing Penguins were neat. 

Their conversation floated easily. Ed managed to startle quite a few laughs out of Oswald who in return became more relaxed as the dinner progressed. With the initial tension gone, Ed realized that Cobblepot was actually quite pleasant to be around and Ed was genuinely enjoying himself in his presence. 

Time flew by quicker than either of them expected and before they knew it it was already past midnight.  

“We should probably go.” Oswald looked around at the near-empty restaurant. 

Ed reached out to put his hand on top of Cobblepot’s. The other man looked surprised and rather vulnerable but did not pull away. Their eyes met. 

“I had a wonderful time, Oswald. Thank you.” Ed said with feeling. He was a master of his trade indeed. 

Oswald swallowed, biting nervously at his lower lip. “I had a nice time myself.” he replied softly and glanced away. If Edward didn’t know any better, he’d be fooled to consider Oswald shy.  

He retreated his hand and the two soon were back to the car. 

“My chauffeur can drive you home. Or anywhere you like.” Oswald offered. 

Ed shook his head. “No need. I’d like to take a walk. It’ll clear my head.” 

Oswald nodded. “Alright.” he smiled. 

Just as Oswald was about to get in the car, Edward stopped him. “Can I see you again?” he asked, filling his voice with longing. 

Oswald’s lips parted, he looked conflicted. 

“It doesn’t have to mean anything.” Ed was quick to clarify. “I know this isn’t a date and you’ll hardly allow me to kiss you, let alone anything further than that. But I truly enjoy your company.” 

Oswald swallowed. “Okay.” he nodded and hastily slid into the car. Like a Penguin on ice, Ed thought fondly and the image made him chuckle. 

Oswald glanced at him one more time before the car drove off. Ed waited for him to disappear around the corner, then put his hands in his pockets and whistled cheerfully as he headed home.  

~*~  

“It’s working!” Barbara Kean was on the phone. She sounded excited which meant she might pay extra. “Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it! He came to work with an actual smile on his face! And he hasn’t yelled at anyone all day, even though a few times we kinda deserved to be yelled at.” 

“I told you I’m the best.” Ed said confidently. Okay, so he was boasting a little but he had every right to be cocky. He managed to turn a Penguin’s frown upside down and that was not something just anyone could achieve. 

“Are you gonna see him again soon?” Barbara asked. 

“We haven’t spoken about it yet. I expect him to call me though.” 

She let out an gleeful squeak. “In that case, I’m hanging up so that he can reach you.” 

Before Ed could say a word she was already gone. 

~*~ 

Penguin called as Ed expected him to. They decided to meet up at the Lounge that evening and see where they go from there. Sex was off the table, that much Ed could tell. It wasn’t as simple with Oswald as it was with other people. Oswald didn’t seem interested in the physical aspect of interpersonal relationships. If Ed had to be honest, he wouldn’t call Oswald sexually frustrated at all. Barbara was definitely wrong about that. What Ed could sense in Oswald felt more like hunger for emotional intimacy rather than sexual appetite. Which made Ed’s work trickier but all the more interesting. Oswald was not like his usual clients. In fact, Oswald was unlike anyone Ed had ever met. And that made him strangely alluring. Oswald was a riddle and Ed wanted to solve the puzzle.  

~*~  

Over the next couple of weeks Oswald and Ed met regularly, more regularly than Oswald would expect he’d feel comfortable with. But there he was, counting the minutes till it was time for Ed to show up, excited about where they’d go and what they’d do this time. They went to shows together, operas and musicals (Edward preferred the opera but Oswald himself was more fond of the musicals), they visited a few galleries where Oswald was pleased to discover that Edward had quite the eye for art, they wined and dined together (food was always a good choice), they even went to the park a few times to play chess together. Edward was entertaining, clever and quite interesting. There was no point denying it, Oswald liked Edward. He even told Ed stuff he hadn’t told anyone, memories and feelings, vulnerabilities, things he thought would forever be locked deep inside his heart, never to be shared with another person. He felt like Ed could see him like no one else had since his mother. Slowly but surely Edward was gaining Oswald’s sympathies to a point where Oswald no longer felt too exposed if he invited Ed to his home. So this evening their dinner was going to be different than usual. This evening, Oswald was taking Ed to his mansion. 

“You live here? Wow.” Ed whistled, taking in the beautiful building. 

Oswald smiled amused. “It belonged to my father. A piece of Gotham’s history, he called it.” 

The smile on Oswald’s face was soft and melancholic. Ed reached out to put a comforting hand on his shoulder. It wouldn’t take a genius to guess that Mr. Penguin Senior had obviously died. 

Oswald gave Ed a grateful smile, cupping the other man’s hand with his own before moving away. “Dinner’s ready for us at the dining room.” he said. 

“That’s so unimaginative. I expected it to be served in the library.” 

Oswald rolled his eyes with a chuckle. “Be nice. Olga spent the whole afternoon preparing it.” 

“Olga? Your wife?” Ed teased. 

“My maid/cook.” 

“Phew! Got me worried there for a second. Thought you were taken.” Ed winked. 

Oswald turned away from him to hide the blush on his face but Ed totally noticed it. A smug grin graced his face at that. Oswald may be all high and mighty when it came to business but this? This was Ed’s territory. Ed was the king here. And over the last couple of weeks, he’d learned all kinds of exciting ways to make Oswald blush. That was quite neat! 

The food was marvelous and Ed made sure to express his delight at it in front of Olga but still all he got was an icy look from her. Perhaps she just didn’t understand him? 

“I think Olga doesn’t like me.” Ed said, when they retired to Oswald’s study. 

The fireplace was warming the place, the light was dim, the entire atmosphere of the room was soft and intimate. Ed sat down on the sofa and made himself at home while Oswald strode to one corner of the room, fumbling with something with his back turned to Ed. 

“She’s very protective of me, that’s all.” he replied. “She distrusts newcomers.” 

“I see where she gets it from.” Ed remarked with amusement. 

Oswald gave him a look then turned his back to him once again. 

Ed tilted his head. “What are you doing?” 

“Picking us some music.” Oswald said. “Wouldn’t you like that?” 

“I would!” Ed smiled. 

The fire, the drinks, the music. Oswald was doing half of Ed’s job already, creating the mood and all. Ed let Penguin choose the vinyl while he himself admired the liquid in his glass, sipping small sips from it every now and then. 

“So Olga distrusts newcomers.” he said thoughtfully. “Do you bring a lot of newcomers home?” 

It was a redundant question. Edward already knew Oswald was a loner when it came to personal relationships. Still he wanted to keep the conversation going and it was always a nice strategy to remind Oswald how alone he was. 

“Not really.” Oswald replied. “I don’t date. I don’t have friends. And I handle most of my work from the Lounge. So, no.” 

“That makes me the lucky exception!” Ed grinned approvingly. 

“Don’t be smug.” Oswald warned but amusement was seeping through his voice. He had already picked a vinyl and was placing it on the record player. 

“I have every right to be smug. You like me enough to let me into your home.” Ed smirked. 

Oswald faced him again as the music started. The first notes of Louis Prima’s  _ Just a Gigolo / I Ain't Got Nobody _ filled the room. 

“That song…” Ed muttered. 

 

_ I'm just a gigolo  _

_ And everywhere I go  _

_ People know the part I'm playin' _

 

“It’s good, isn’t it?” Oswald smiled. “I like old songs.” He let out a nervous little chuckle at the admission. Sharing something personal and private made him do that but Edward was too busy furrowing his brows while he listened to the song to pay attention to Oswald’s little anxieties. 

 

_ Paid for every dance  _

_ Sellin' each romance  _

_ Oh, what they sayin'?  _

_ Gigolo, gigolo, gigolo _ , the chorus repeated accusingly. 

_ There'll come a day _

_ And youth will pass away _

_ What, what will they say about me? _

_ When the end comes, I know _

_ They'll say "just a gigolo", as _

_ Life goes on without me _

 

“Louis Prima’s version actually combines two different songs from the early 20th century. One is  _ Just a Gigolo  _ and the other is  _ I Ain’t Got Nobody _ .” Oswald’s voice pulled Ed out of his stupor and he suddenly realized that the other man had come closer to the sofa. “I love the way they just… merge into one. They were not created to be one song, they seemingly have nothing to do with one another. And yet when put together they just… fit perfectly.” 

Edward looked up at Oswald, their eyes meeting. The light from the fire was illuminating Oswald’s face and his features seemed so tender at that moment. It knocked the air out of Ed’s lungs. 

 

_ I ain't got nobody, oh and there's _

_ Nobody that cares for me, there's _

_ Nobody that cares for me _

 

“Yes, they do fit together beautifully.” Edward agreed, his voice soft. 

He rose up from the sofa and offered Oswald his hand. Oswald frowned and gave him a confused look. 

“Dance with me?” Edward said. 

“Oh, I don’t really-- my leg…” Oswald muttered, fidgeting but Ed wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him closer. That shut him up. 

“Dance with me.” Ed repeated, firmer this time. 

Oswald swallowed and nodded, eyes not looking away from his partner as they let the music guide their movements. 

 

_ I'm so sad and lonely _

_ Sad and lonely, sad and lonely _

_ Won't some sweet mama _

_ Come and take a chance with me? _

_ 'Cause I ain't so bad  _

 

“So. I have to come up with a fee.” Edward said as they kept dancing. 

“What?” 

“For the dance.  _ Paid for every dance _ ? Like in the song?” he winked. 

Oswald let out a breathless chuckle. “I thought the first one’s always for free.” 

Edward grinned. “I guess for you they can all be free. Since you’re priceless.” 

Oswald blushed again and let his head rest on Edward’s chest. A strange feeling of warmth spread across Ed’s body. It made him relax and feel at home. 

Oswald wasn’t half bad. Quite a good dancer, Ed had to admit to his own surprise. Even with his injured leg, he had a good sense of rhythm and was quite flexible. 

They laughed and swayed under the sounds of the music, the fire dancing in the fireplace, the night belonging to them and them alone. And when Oswald looked up Ed did the one thing that felt most natural at the time -- he leaned in and pressed their lips together. 

~*~ 

They didn’t talk about the kiss. When they pulled away the song was over and it was late. Oswald offered Ed to stay in one of the guest rooms, Ed agreed. The next morning they had breakfast together, a rather awkward conversation, and then Oswald had to go to work. Ed had nothing to do alone in Oswald’s mansion so he too went back to town, at the Riddler Factory. There he had a few drinks, refused a bunch of clients, and tried to think. 

Something was different. But what? He couldn’t quite put a finger on it. A strange feeling of unease settled in the pit of his stomach. Things were going well with Oswald, he had no reason to feel that way. But maybe things were going  _ too  _ well? The look in Oswald’s eyes last night had been quite… confusing. Was he falling for Ed? Oswald had been emotionally alone for such a long time, it was only natural that when he fell in love he'd fall hard. This was not part of Ed’s plan. He was supposed to bed Oswald, not break his heart or play with his feelings. That was never the deal and that was never Barbara’s intention either. So what was Ed supposed to do if Oswald truly had fallen for him? How to lay him off easy without making things worse? And why was that unpleasant feeling still in Ed’s chest? Why did he even care about Oswald’s heart?  

It was very unlikely that Ed would care. Ed was a professional. Cobblepot was an intriguing case for him but that was all. He was unlike other clients so Ed wanted to prove to himself that he could crack him. There was nothing more to it. And yet… The image of Oswald looking up at him moments before they kissed returned to his mind. The feeling of Oswald’s soft lips, his tentative touch, pierced into Ed’s memory, lingering still. It was never like that with other people Ed’s been with. Oswald was different but what did that mean to Ed? 

He wondered what would happen once his purpose is done. How long would Barbara be paying him to spend time with Oswald? They never discussed deadlines. What would happen when she decided to end Ed’s services? Could Ed still see Oswald then? And why would Ed even want to see Oswald if he wasn’t getting paid for it? Could it be that Ed was falling for Oswald too? 

Perhaps it was best to just have it over with sooner. Get Oswald to sleep with him and wait for Barbara to terminate their agreement. Then his life would go back to normal. For some reason, that thought didn’t make him feel any better. In fact, it was making him feel worse. Ed was getting a minor mental breakdown and the grasshoppers weren’t helping. Eventually he went home to his loft and tried to sleep it all off. He’d think about this in the morning. A clear head was always preferable. 

~*~  

“Oswald!” Sofia Falcone beamed at him with open arms. “You look great. Seem to be in a good mood too.” 

“I rather am.” he smiled back at her. 

She kissed him on both cheeks and remained quite cheerful. “I hope you’re not busy because I came to steal you for the afternoon.” 

Oswald deflated slightly. “Oh. I’m sorry, Sofia, but I have plans for today.” 

She frowned, glancing at the papers he had been going through before her arrival. “Work again? Oswald, you need to relax more.” 

“I know and I agree. I’m actually following your advice.” Oswald said. “I’m going to relax today.” 

“Oh?” 

There was a lot in that one syllable. It was an  _ oh  _ of surprise, an  _ oh  _ of puzzlement, an  _ oh  _ of disappointment, an  _ oh  _ of curiosity, but most of all an  _ oh  _ of ‘ _ you’re going to relax without me? _ ’. 

He nodded. “Yes. I’m going out with a friend.” 

“A friend.” she repeated slowly. Then exhaled, crossing her hands over her chest. “Is this the same friend I hear you’ve been dining with for the last two weeks? The tall green one?” 

“He’s not green.” Oswald protested, finding the whole situation ridiculous. 

Why was he supposed to give explanations for his actions to anyone at all? How did Sofia hear about this? He never mentioned Edward to her. Were people talking about it? Why were people talking? He didn’t want them to. His friendship with Ed was personal and he wanted to keep it that way, like something precious and private for just the two of them. No one else was invited to discuss Oswald’s personal life! Oswald didn’t want his enemies to use Ed against him. He didn’t want to put Ed in danger. 

“I’m not sure he’s the sort of relaxation I had in mind.” Sofia said, hand rubbing at Oswald’s arm again. 

Oswald sighed. “Why not?” 

“Well, for starters, you don’t know anything about him.” 

“I’m getting to know him the old fashioned way, by talking to him. And we’re both aware that if I wanted to, I could dig up all the information there is to know about him, even the smallest intimate details.” 

“But you haven't. Which shows trust.” 

“Trust is not a bad thing.” 

“Only when invested in the  _ right  _ people.” Sofia warned. 

“He’s not connected to the mob in any way.” Oswald said. “I’ve checked this much. He works in a bar.” 

“I’m just worried about you, Oswald. He’s probably using you.” 

That hurt. The reminder that if anyone was ever interested in being close to Oswald, it had to be because of an ulterior motive, stung. Deep down he knew that Ed was probably after something other than the pleasure of Oswald’s company alone. However, it had become easier to ignore the little warning voice inside him as he had gradually started to enjoy his time with Edward more and more each day. Sofia’s words cruelly reminded him of the harsh reality. 

“Oswald! Are you even listening to me? I said that he is probably using you!” she repeated.  

“So let him.” Oswald heard himself say quietly. 

Sofia’s eyes went wide. “What?” 

“If he  _ is  _ using me, it’s probably for money or my power. Either ways, it’s not damaging. And I get what I want from it. It’s a fair transaction.” 

The look on Sofia’s face was so scandalized Oswald had to roll his eyes at her. 

“It’s not like  _ that _ . We’re not--” he huffed, getting irritated. “I enjoy his company, that’s all. We talk. We laugh. I like it. It  _ relaxes  _ me.” he used her own words against her triumphantly. “It’s a nice distraction from my other worries. That’s what you wanted for me, isn’t it?” 

“I never meant with  _ him  _ !” 

Oswald pursed his lips. “I don’t see how does this concern you, Sofia.” 

She glared. “Don’t ask me for my opinion if you don’t want it then.” 

Oswald arched both eyebrows. “Excuse me?” 

“I’m your friend, Oswald. A  _ real _ friend. I  _ worry  _ about your well-being and I don’t want some  _ nobody  _ to wiggle his way into your life and  _ break your heart _ .” 

Oswald furrowed his brows. “I’m not in danger of that. It’s not like that.” 

“What is it like then?” 

He was silent. 

“Thank you for proving my point.” Sofia said, heading for the exit. 

“Sofia…” Oswald called after her. 

She turned around to face him again. Passion and determination practically radiated from her. She was like a wild horse, Oswald thought, untamed, strong and beautiful.

“This man is not good news.” She warned. “Don’t tell me I didn't warn you when you come crying on my shoulder.” 

Oswald sunk into his armchair, rubbing at his temples. His good mood had considerably deflated after his conversation with Sofia, giving way instead to exasperation and suspicion. The way Edward made him feel was new and exciting and pleasant. Oswald desperately wanted to believe that this wasn’t just an act. He needed it to be true. He dearly hoped it was. 


	2. I Ain't Got Nobody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Too many feels ahead!  
> Also it turns out this will be a 3-chapter story after all. Enjoy!

Ed was supposed to come by The Iceberg Lounge in about two hours for their dinner plans. So it was a pleasant surprise when Mr. Penn showed his head through the door of Oswald’s office and announced in his usual rather nervous manner that Mr. Nygma was here.

“Well, what are you waiting for, let him in.” Oswald told Mr. Penn who quickly followed the order. A moment later Edward waltzed into the office.

“Edward! You’re early.” Oswald said, unable to contain the smile that spread across his face.

“I was just-- in the neighborhood.” Edward smirked, closing the door behind him.

It was obviously a lie and the fact that Ed was so transparent only made Oswald’s grin wider. “Of course you were.” he said, amused. “But I still have a few things to finish up here.” he pointed at a bunch of papers scattered across his desk. “I hope you don’t mind waiting for me? It won’t take too long.”

“I don’t mind.” Ed assured, walking around and examining everything in the office with interest. “I could even help if you want. I’m very organized.”

 

The offer made Oswald uneasy. He didn’t want to get Ed involved in his work. It was too much of a reminder that Edward was most likely in this for money or power, guided by ambitions of personal gain. Oswald would swallow his pride and accept that in order to enjoy Edward’s company but he would still rather keep alive the illusion of their friendship being genuine.

“No, that’s fine. It’s boring anyway.” he said out loud. “But you can go shopping if you want. I can pay for it.”

It was a subtle way to give Edward what he wanted without ruining the fantasy that he was honestly interested in Oswald. The money could be considered a gift and Ed had the chance to take as much as he wished. Surprisingly, Ed refused.

“I don’t need that from you, Oswald.” he declined.

“Oh. Okay.” Oswald returned to his work, slightly puzzled. Perhaps it was power Ed was after. Time would show.

Ed stopped in front of a small entry table in the corner of the room and frowned at it. On top of it there was a box of chocolates, wrapped with a pretty yellow bow. Ed glanced at the note accompanying it and narrowed his eyes.

“Who’s Sofia?” he asked, sounding slightly irritated.

Oswald looked up from his papers. “Hmm? Oh. She’s a friend of mine.”

Ed made a face. “I thought you didn’t have any friends.” he muttered.

“Well, she _claims_ to be my friend.” Oswald elaborated. “Why are you suddenly asking me about Sofia?”

“She’s sending you sweets.” Ed said with an eye roll. Then he mumbled more to himself than to Oswald, “I bet they’re not even good.” He opened the box and popped one in his mouth. “Damn it.”

“No good?”

“Too good.” Ed groaned, mouth full of the delicious delights.

The corners of Oswald’s lips quirked up into a smile. Ed didn’t even realize how adorable he was.

“Why is she apologizing in her note?” Ed continued his small chocolate-interrogation.  

“Oh, it’s just-- we had a small difference of opinion. I guess she wants to make up.”

“Well, her sweets are _too_ good. I don’t trust her.” Ed said, keeping the box close to his chest as he sat down in the chair opposite Oswald’s desk.

“I don’t trust her either.” Oswald said, sounding slightly exhausted, as if thinking about this again made him tired. “She’s buttering me up for something but I’ve no idea what yet.” he exhaled. “Anyway. I’ve become quite popular recently. All the sudden everyone wants to be my friend. Sofia, you…”

“Oh, I don’t want to be your friend, Oswald. I want to get into your pants. There’s a difference.” Edward said matter-of-factly.

The doe-eyed look of surprise on Oswald’s face was priceless. He was stunned for a moment, wide-eyed, slack-jawed, gaping slightly at Ed.

“Don’t joke like that.” he finally said, quiet and visibly embarrassed.

“Wasn’t a joke.” Ed leaned in, putting the box of sweets away and looking Oswald in the eyes. “Don’t be so surprised. I told you what I wanted the night we first met. I’ve been wooing you ever since. We even kissed. What does that tell you?”  

Oswald opened his mouth as if he was about to speak but no words came out. He closed his mouth again and shrugged, looking down at his papers, trying to appear nonchalant.

Edward snorted. “You’re quite a character, Oswald. Do you know that? I’ve never met anyone quite like you.” Oswald started smiling a little at the words but then suddenly Ed groaned with annoyance and cursed under his breath, “Damn you.”

Oswald frowned at him, looking confused. He still said nothing though.

“I thought I had my entire life finally figured out.” Edward continued, leaning back into his chair. “And then you came along and made me start doubting everything.”

“If anything, you came to me, Ed.” Oswald corrected. “You’re the one who started this, whatever it is.”  

“What is this to you?” Ed asked, looking genuinely interested to hear Oswald’s answer.

Oswald suddenly felt too much like he was put on the spot. If he were to answer that question honestly, he’d feel awfully vulnerable. But Edward’s penetrative gaze made him feel too hot and nervous and it seemed impossible to just ignore him.

“You’re important to me.” he finally said. “I miss you when you’re not around. I’m not so alone with you in my life. You see me like no one else had since my mother.”

Suddenly feeling like he’d said too much, bared too much of himself, Oswald cleared his throat and looked down at his papers again.

Edward was silent. His eyes still fixed on Oswald, assessing his answer or perhaps trying to figure something out for himself. He reached out for the sweets again and went on stuffing his mouth with them.  

They remained silent for most of the time after that. Then Oswald was done with his paperwork and put the folders away.

“Well, I’m ready. If you’re still up for our dinner?”

“I am!” Edward nodded and he grabbed Oswald’s coat to hold it up for him.

“Such a gentleman.” Oswald chuckled fondly and accepted the assistance.  

Their evening was really nice, no longer strained by serious discussions over the nature of their friendship so that was a relief. Instead they could simply enjoy each other’s company. After dinner they went back to Oswald’s mansion. Over time Ed had come to the realization that nice quiet evenings together was something Oswald enjoyed immensely. Snuggling on Oswald’s couch, listening to some old jazz songs and having a nice fireside chat was what he seemed to like the most. It relaxed Oswald like nothing else would. During those times he seemed most vulnerable and susceptible to manipulation, which was something Ed welcomed. Oswald was all soft and snuggly like some plush penguin, resting his head on Edward’s shoulder and even wrapping an arm around Ed’s waist at one point. It was unbelievable that this was the same man that held all of Gotham in the palm of his hand. The same man everybody feared so much. The same man whose yelling made Barbara Kean resolve to hiring a gigolo to calm him down. This same man now seemed like a soft lost kitten in need of Ed’s protection. However, the even more surprising bit was that Ed was very much willing to provide that protection.

Oswald stirred a little. “So, Ed. Is there someone you hate?” he asked casually.

_Well, that came out of nowhere._

“Is this a mobster’s way to flirt?” Ed teased. He didn’t really know how to answer that question.

“I was just curious.” Oswald said, intertwining their fingers together. “If there’s someone you want dead, you know you can tell me.”

Both Ed’s eyebrows shot up. “Are you offering to kill someone for me!?” he gaped.

Oswald looked nervous now. “Well… if that’s what you want, I’d do it, yes.”

Ed exhaled sharply, too affected by the suggestion to speak.

“We both know who I am, Ed. There are only so many reasons why someone wouldn’t mind my company. One of the perks to being my friend, so to speak, is that I can have anyone killed. And it won’t lead to you. Your hands will be clean.”

“Oswald, I’m not spending time with you to get you to kill people for me. If I wanted to kill anyone, trust me, I’d be able to do it myself.”

Oswald seemed very surprised by Ed’s words. Perhaps it was that he had never pictured Ed as a killer before. Or perhaps he never anticipated Ed would reject the offer.

“So you _don’t_ want me to kill someone for you?” Penguin repeated, just to be sure.

“No!” Edward gasped. “Did you _actually_ think I was using you to get you to kill people for me!?”

“Well… it’s not a problem if you-- I’m just saying it’s on the table.”

“Oh, wow.” Ed held both hands up to keep Oswald at a distance. He had no idea why he was this upset by the fact that Penguin assumed Ed was using him, especially since it was close to the truth, but it was too much to handle right now. He needed more space to breathe.

“Ed, I’m _so_ sorry.” Oswald apologized with the most sincere look on his face. “I misjudged. I never meant to insult you. I only wanted to help you, if you needed it. To let you know you don’t have to face alone whatever troubles you have.”

Ed remained silent.

“I was wrong. Please forgive me?” Oswald’s voice was just as sincere as his face.

Edward sucked in a deep breath. Something ached in his chest.

“You know what I think, Oswald?” he said, voice rather harsh. “I think you’re so used to isolating yourself from everyone that the one time someone actually wants to be with you, you push them away.”

“I’m not pushing you away, Ed! I’m letting you in!” Oswald pleaded. His voice was almost breaking and his eyes were glassy, like he was about to cry. “I-- I’m trying not to lose you.” he swallowed nervously and licked at his lips.

“Then don’t _ever_ assume I’m just using you.” Ed said seriously. “If I wanted something from you, Oswald, I’d tell you. I’d ask for it straightforward. I won’t manipulate you like some-- I won’t.”

Oswald nodded. “Of course. Anything you say, Ed. _Anything_.” He leaned in and pulled Edward into a hug. “I’m so sorry.”

Edward swallowed around the lump in his throat. This was the second time Oswald opened up to him today. It was the perfect time to say something equally intimate and have Oswald in the palm of his hand, completely wrapped around his little finger. But no words came out of his lips. He was silent as if he didn’t know what to say.

Oswald’s fingers clung to Ed desperately, wrapped tightly around Ed’s shoulders, holding the other man close to his chest. Slowly Ed felt the rage inside him subside as he allowed himself to return the hug. He felt confused and unsure. What was happening? What was Oswald doing to him? He wasn’t supposed to get so emotional. He was supposed to fake it all the time.

Thinking about his peculiar ‘malfunction’ only made him more confused, so he ignored the heaviness in his chest and hung onto Oswald instead.

~*~  

Ed met Sofia Falcone personally sooner than he expected. He had stayed in Oswald’s mansion for the night, again, in the guestroom, again, because it was more convenient than driving back to his own place. As usual he woke up earlier than Oswald (Oswald was definitely more of a night owl than an early riser), so Ed retreated to Oswald’s study to read newspapers when an unexpected visitor arrived.

She burst into the room as if she owned the place, all sunbeams and smiles. She was pretty, no denying that. Her curly hair was cascading down her shoulders, her head was graced with an elegant red hat. Her clothes were classy, a sort of response to Oswald’s own old-fashioned style, down to her very own lace gloves. She was quite the character. However when she saw Edward instead of Oswald her smile melted away.

“Oh. It’s _you_.” she said disappointed.

Edward frowned. “Do we know each other?”

She definitely seemed to know him. But at the time Ed still had no idea the woman in front of him was Miss Falcone. However, soon enough he began to suspect.

“I didn’t know you were spending the nights here as well now.” She said with a slight grimace.

“I sometimes do? I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met.” Ed said, still maintaining a certain level of politeness. The woman was, after all, a guest in Oswald’s home.

Sofia tilted her head with a fake smile. “I’m Sofia. And I’m onto _you_.”

“Excuse me?” Ed arched both eyebrows.

“I’m sure Oswald finds your little game… entertaining… for the time being.” For some reason she put the word ‘entertaining’ in air quotes. “But surely you don’t expect this little _thing_ of yours to last.” She crossed her hands over her chest and continued with nonchalance. “He’ll be bored of you soon. Just make sure you don’t hurt him. Because if you do, I’ll find you, I’ll rip out each and every one of your internal organs and I’ll feed them to you.”

The wide smile on her face and the sparkles in her eyes were in drastic contrast with her words. Ed was pissed off. Who did she think she was, talking to him like that!? He was about to put her in her place when he was interrupted by Oswald’s laughter.

“There’s no need for that, Sofia. Although I’m sure Edward would be delicious.” he said from the doorway, amused. He was already dressed in his own elegant suit, hair styled and ready for the day. He gave Ed a little wink at his clever remark.

Ed gaped. Was Oswald really going to play this off as some kind of friendly teasing on Sofia’s part? She had _actually threatened_ Ed! How could Oswald look at this so lightly?

“I was merely warning him to be good to you.” Sofia said, her smile becoming a shade warmer when she turned to Oswald.

“Kind of you, Sofia. But you’re going too far in your concern for me.”

“Oswald, this man doesn’t deserve you!” Sofia insisted with passion, pointing at Edward. She talked as if he weren’t in the room, or as if she considered him too dull to understand her words even if he did hear them.

Oswald frowned. “Edward is a good friend, Sofia. It’s sweet how much you care about my well-being, but don’t go overboard with your protectiveness.”

She pursed her lips, sensing the warning in Oswald’s voice. But other than a hard stare directed at Ed, she voiced no further complaints. Instead she strode to Oswald, hooking her hand under his arm and planting a kiss on his cheek.

“I’m so glad I caught you. I came to personally remind you of my fundraiser tonight.” She smiled.

Ed just stood there like a tall green idiot. Or at least that was how he felt, being completely ignored by Sofia and excluded from her conversation with Oswald.

“For the orphanage?” Oswald inquired, hobbling to his desk.  

She nodded cheerfully. “Mhm. I sent you the invitation weeks ago, of course, but I had to come and check personally if you’d be able to come. I do hope you can make it. It won’t be the same without you by my side.”

Oswald returned her smile. “I wouldn’t miss it.” he promised.

Ed felt even more annoyed, heat was rising to his face, burning him on the inside. Sofia Falcone was a horrible human being!

As if sensing his glare Sofia glanced at him too, smirking. “Oh, and you don’t have a plus one, Oswald.” she added. “Since you’ll be my escort for the evening I assumed you won’t be needing one.”

Ed couldn’t restrain himself anymore. _“Barks like a dog, whines like a witch. Even in fog, it’s clear she’s a b--”_

“Okay!” Oswald quickly cut Ed off, smiling back at his lady guest. “Sofia, I’m sure your fundraiser will be sublime. I’ll be there, of course, like we agreed.”

“Good. I’ll be off then.” Sofia smiled back, once again ignoring Ed. “I have _loads_ of preparations to take care of before the dinner. I’ll see you tonight, Oswald!” She gave his arm a gentle stroke, then waved her goodbyes and left.  

“What the hell was that!?” Edward exclaimed the moment they were alone again.

“What do you mean?”

“Didn’t you notice the way she treated me?”

“Oh, don’t mind Sofia.” Oswald waved it off. “She’s just being--”

“... Annoying? Irritating? Horrid?” Ed supplied.

“Protective.” Oswald said and arched an eyebrow. “You don’t like Sofia. Why?”

“She doesn’t seem to like me very much either.”

“She worries about me. She doesn’t want me to get hurt, that’s all.”

“More like she wants you all to herself!” Ed rolled his eyes, pacing around the room angrily.

Oswald followed his movements with surprise. “Ed, are you okay? You act as if you’re-- jealous.”

Edward stopped in his tracks, frowning at himself. “Jealous?” he repeated, then threw his arms in the air in exasperation. “Well, maybe I _am_ jealous! And maybe I have a good reason for it too!” he said stubbornly. “Inviting you to her fundraiser without me? That’s so obviously a declaration of war.”

“You’re exaggerating. Those were old plans Sofia and I made before I even met you. Besides, she has no reason to expect me to take anyone. I usually attend such events alone.”

“She claims she’s your friend but she is clearly just being a possessive hag. She doesn't want to share you!”

“You’ve only known her for like 5 minutes.”

“So you’re taking her side now?” Ed gasped outraged.  

Oswald sighed tiredly, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Aren’t you getting a bit overly dramatic? I'm not taking anyone’s side. There _are no_ sides.”  

“I don’t trust Sofia.” Edward warned.

“Welcome to my world!” Oswald blurted out. “I don’t trust anybody! It’s a neverending torment but you learn to live with it!”

Ed blinked, not expecting the outburst. Apparently Oswald hadn’t expected it either because he ran his hands through his face and exhaled loudly, slumping back into his armchair.  

“Why do you like Sofia so much? Why are you defending her despite all your concerns?” Edward finally broke the silence, his voice soft and careful.

For a moment he thought Oswald wouldn’t reply. But then the older man inhaled deeply and said, “I really like her company. I like the way she makes me feel. I like having a friend. I’ve questioned her actions on several occasions and each time she presented the perfect explanation of why she’d done things. Each time proving her loyalty to me, despite appearances. And deep down I want to believe her. She’s _literally_ been my only friend before I met you. I don’t want to lose that.”  

Ed considered this for a moment, then walked around Oswald’s desk, stopping behind Oswald’s chair and placing his hands on each of Oswald’s shoulders.  

“What are you doing?” Oswald asked, rather nervously.

Edward couldn’t help but notice that unexpected physical touch always put Oswald on edge. As if he were surprised someone would want to touch him. Or as if he expected the touch to result in pain for him. Edward wondered how often had people attacked Penguin, how often had they physically hurt him so that a touch would still have this strong effect on him. Whatever Oswald's history with touching was, Ed was determined to change it, step by step.  

“I’m giving you a backrub.” he replied calmly.

His clever hands knew exactly where to put pressure in order to give Oswald release. It took a few moments but then finally he could feel the tension in Oswald's muscles slowly subsiding. That was promising.  

“Be careful.” Ed said. “Getting behind someone’s back makes it so much easier to stab them.”

Oswald froze under Ed’s fingers. His breathing was slow and careful, as if he was paying particular attention to keeping it steady. “Is that what you’re doing, Ed?” he then asked. “Waiting for an opportunity to stab me in the back?”

Ed snorted. “I’m not interested in stabbing or poking you, Oswald. At least not with a knife.” he leaned in a bit so that Oswald would see him winking at his last remark.

Oswald groaned and rolled his eyes but the blush on his cheeks was promptly there, as expected. Ed bit back his own grin at the small victory.

“It’s called flirting, Oswald. People do it when they like someone. Get used to it.”  

“I don’t understand you at all sometimes.” Oswald confessed.

“You’re too sweet and pure.” Edward smiled.

Oswald swallowed. The tension was back in his shoulders, his neck and his back.

“Relax.” Edward instructed, working to relax the muscles again. “No need to be so stiff. Not up here anyway.”

That apparently was one innuendo too much for Oswald because he suddenly pushed Edward’s hands away from himself and sprang up from his chair.

“Why are you acting like that again?” He gasped desperately. “We were fine and then you go saying things like that, leaving me… confused!”

His chin was up, his eyes fierce, his fists clenched. He was ready for battle and yet he was trembling, Edward could see it. However he could also tell the real reason for this outburst wasn’t anger. The real reason was much different and this time it was entirely in Edward’s realm. So he took a step closer, keeping his gaze on Oswald intense and heated, giving the man his full attention. He saw Oswald’s breath hitch and his lips part in perturbation. He could feel the heat radiating from Oswald’s body and he knew well that Oswald could feel his in return. Now was the time to act!  

“Because.” he said, voice hoarse with passion. “We both know you want more than just being friends with me. And I get tired of waiting for you to admit it.”

“There’s nothing to admit.” Oswald insisted, hating the way his voice wavered a little.

Ed’s hands slid up Oswald’s arms in a seemingly comforting touch that sent electric currents throughout Oswald’s entire body even through all the layers he was wearing like a suit of armor.

“Why won’t you let yourself have this, Oswald? Why are you being so hard on yourself?” Ed whispered, voice low and intense.

“T-to have what?”

“To have _me_.”

Oswald’s face must’ve showed some of his nervousness because Ed’s hands suddenly rested on his shoulders again, rubbing soothing circles into them.

“I understand this isn’t easy for you.” he said, voice soft and low. “It’s new and confusing. You find it difficult to trust people so you surround yourself with all these protective walls, pretending you’re as cold as ice. But you’re not meant to be alone, Oswald. You’re a passionate man and passionate men need certain things.”

Oswald swallowed again. “I don’t.” he said stubbornly but at the same time softly, his strong exterior cracking a little. “I’ve been fine all this time. I’m not lonely.”

Ed was about to roll his eyes but then Oswald continued.

“I was fine on my own my entire life. I never wanted anyone, never needed anyone like that. Until I met you.” Oswald’s eyes were fixed on Ed’s, not wavering at all as he spoke. There was no hesitation. Oswald wasn’t weak for finally admitting those things; he was strong for finally opening up. “You’re right. This is all new to me. And I don’t easily let people near me emotionally or physically. I always end up hurt if I do. But I’ve let you in. And now I’m afraid. I’m afraid I care for you more than I’d like to admit. It scares me. I’m afraid because I know this sort of things don’t happen to me. That kind of happiness is not meant for me. And the moment I allow myself to believe that I can have this, I’ll end up broken and alone.”

His words sounded like a confession. They stirred the blood in Edward’s veins, making his heart ache at how relatable they were to him.

“I don’t want to lose a loved one again, Ed. I don’t want to be betrayed again. I assumed not feeling anything was better than being hurt. But perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps I should allow myself to take this risk if it gives me a chance at happiness.”

Their eyes met again and suddenly Ed felt too overwhelmed by their sincerity and warmth. Once again Oswald had made him feel uncertain and confused. This puzzle kept growing new pieces, surprising Edward on every turn. He felt as inept as Oswald when it came to opening up about his feelings, or even _understanding_ his own feelings.

“I’ve spent years pretending I’m this persona I created. Just so that I don’t have to worry about my feelings, so that I don’t get hurt.” Ed heard himself say. Where did these words come from? Oh, that’s right. They came from the bottom of his heart as if it were desperate to connect to Oswald’s heart. He continued. “I played my part so well I believed it. I thought it made me stronger. More resilient. I tried not to think about it because every time I did I felt so lost…” His voice broke and he shut his eyes for a moment to compose himself.

Oswald didn’t rush him, Oswald allowed him to take as much time as he needed.

“Oswald, I have something to confess...” Ed whispered. He could hear his heartbeat throbbing in his ears. The words were on the tip of his tongue and yet he was afraid to give them voice. He was afraid that if he told Oswald the truth, he’d lose him forever. He’d prove himself to be nothing more than all the other people who had hurt Oswald, perhaps even worse than them because he allowed Oswald to bare himself to him before the final letdown. “When we first met I-- well, before we met… Oswald…”

He exhaled, disappointed in himself.

Oswald’s comforting hand cupped his cheek. “You don’t have to say anything if it’s difficult for you.” he said, keeping his voice calm. “I understand that when we met you perhaps had other motives to seek my friendship…”

“But what I feel is _real_ , Oswald! I promise everything between us _is real_. And I’m just as frightened as you are. I’ve been let down by my own family, by lovers, by people I gave my heart and soul to. I’ve been let down by life. But, Oswald, what I feel for you-- it’s more than I can explain. And I don’t want to turn my back to it without exploring it further.”

Oswald’s eyes were wide. He didn’t expect Edward to say all these things. He didn't expect this genuine emotion radiating from the other man. His heart was beating fast in his chest, threatening to burst free and run to Edward. He opened and closed his mouth a few times in a futile attempt to say something. “Ed, I…”

“I love you, Oswald!” Edward blurted out. For a moment he just stared back at Oswald, surprised by his own admission. But once the words were out he could feel their truthfulness deep in his heart and soul. So he repeated them, more assured this time. “I love you.”

Oswald instinctively took a step towards him, hands grabbing at Edward’s arms. “I feel the same!” he confessed quickly.  

Ed felt his heart skip a beat. So that was what love felt like. His eyes slid down to Oswald’s lips and he leaned in, pulling the shorter man into a bruising kiss. He couldn’t bother with finesse, the need to show Oswald how he felt so visceral and intense that it knocked all other thoughts out of his mind. Oswald didn’t seem to mind. His fingers clenched tightly at Ed’s lapels as he kissed back, inexperienced and a bit clumsy but eager and passionate, just like Ed had imagined he would be.  

However, when Ed tried to take things further Oswald had to pull away, pink-cheeked, wide-eyed and panting.

“Ed, I’m not ready to-- I’m not really…”

Ed nodded. “Say no more. I understand.” he pressed their foreheads together. “Sorry. I got carried away.”

“Don’t apologize! I understand too. It’s just that I--” He didn’t seem to find the right words for it and Ed eventually just smiled at him and pulled him into a soft hug.

“It’s alright. You don’t have to explain.” he said comfortingly. “I’m here. I’m yours. You have me.”

He then had to take a moment to compose himself -- being close to Oswald affected him in ways he couldn’t help. Oswald gave him his time to calm down, looking away and pretending he hadn’t noticed the bulge in Ed’s trousers. All in all, it turned out to be a good day.

~*~

“So what is he like?” Barbara asked. She and Ed were meeting for cocktails at The Riddle Factory again. Apparently it was a thing they did now.

“What do you mean?” Ed hummed, sipping from his grasshopper.

“You know.” Barbara grinned. “What’s he _like_?” When Ed still looked puzzled she rolled her eyes and clarified, “What’s Penguin like in bed? Is he kinky? Is there some weird things he’s into? He’s been celibate for as long as I’ve known him, as far as I’m aware. There has to be some dirty secret there! What is it?”

Ed grimaced in disgust. “That’s a very distasteful question and I am not discussing it with you!”

“Oh, don’t be a schmuck! Tell me! I’ll pay you extra for the dirt.” She tapped his hand playfully, giving him a wink.

“No.” Ed shook his head.

He wasn’t going to share any intimate details about Oswald, not with Barbara, not with anyone. Oswald had opened up to him so much over the last two days, they both have. Their emotional bond had become much stronger. Their physical bond was basically cuddles and kisses and if that became a little more heated Ed had to retreat to the bathroom to take care of himself because Oswald wasn’t ready. However, he didn’t think this was something Barbara needed to know.

“But you did sleep with him, didn’t you?” Barbara asked.

Ed thought about it. They’ve shared a bed multiple times to _literally sleep_. Oswald snored a little and drooled a little. It was cute. Ed never thought he’d ever find snoring and drooling cute but there he was. Love had a way of surprising people.

When he realized Barbara was still waiting for an answer, he wiped off the silly smile that had crept on his face at the memory of Oswald, and settled on the following explanation, “Oswald is not a particularly sexual being. His needs require more than the conventional method.”

“So he is kinky?”

“There’s nothing weird about Oswald, Barbara.” Ed scolded, getting irritated at her questions.

Truth be told, he kind of wanted to end his deal with Barbara. But that in itself presented him with a lot of other sensitive questions, such as: Would he be able to still continue his relationship with Oswald? Would Barbara tell Oswald what really happened? How would Ed earn his living if he retired from the gigolo business in order to be with Oswald? Could he build his relationship with Oswald on a lie? And last but not least, if Oswald found out the truth would he decide to kill him? That was possible. Although if Ed had to be honest with himself, he was never really scared of Oswald. Ed never saw the crime lord in him.

“I don’t like your attitude, Nygma.” Barbara warned. “But you’re obviously working miracles with Penguin, so I’ll let your lack of desire to gossip slide. For now.”

She smiled at him again and he did his best to make himself smile at her too. Damn it, pretending had become much more difficult to him now that he’d felt the pleasure of just being his true self with Oswald. Which brought another matter to his mind.  

“Barbara, what can you tell me about Sofia Falcone?”

Barbara seemed surprised by the question. “She’s the daughter of Carmine Falcone. He used to be--”

“I’ve heard about him.” Ed interrupted.

Barbara chuckled and sipped from her drink. “Anyway, he’s retired now but his daughter came out of nowhere three months ago.” she leaned in to whisper even though no one was really listening to their conversation. “Ever since her first day in Gotham she’s been dragging herself to The Lounge, demanding Oswald’s attention. Poor thing tried to push her away but that lady’s persistent. So now they seem to be friends or something. I’m not really sure what to make of it because he doesn’t seem to express any sexual interest…”

“Why do you _always_ look for sexual interest? It’s not like that with Oswald!” Ed huffed irritated.

Barbara gave him a strange look. “You’re not telling me something, riddle boy.” she finally said. “You’re keeping something from me but that’s alright. I’ll figure it out anyway. Might be more fun like that.”

“I’m not double crossing you, Barbara, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Ed rolled his eyes. “Sofia’s been giving me a hard time, that’s all. She disapproves of me so she’s trying to get in the way of my relationship with Oswald.”

“How dare she!? I can’t believe I went shopping with her once!” Barbara exclaimed.

“Why did you--?”

“I needed new shoes to stab people with.” Barbara explained matter-of-factly.

“Well, of course you did.” Ed smiled.

Barbara sighed, lost in thought. “She asked me some weird questions about Oswald and what kind of people he kept around. Naturally, I didn’t tell her anything. But it was all kind of… strange.”

“Did you tell Oswald about it?”

“Of course. He was really nice to me that evening when we talked about it.” The look in Barbara’s eyes changed at the memory. The crazy factor was gone for a moment, replaced by something milder, softer and almost caring. “It was when I realized how lonesome he truly was.” She was lost in thought for a moment but then she shrugged it off and smiled at Ed, being her usual self again. “Soon after that, I hired you.”

It was at that moment that Ed knew Barbara would not be a problem if he decided to have a real relationship with Oswald. She would not stand in Ed’s way. And if he asked her to keep his history a secret, she would if that would make Penguin happy. There was something comforting in that thought.

~*~  

They were snogging in Oswald’s office at the Iceberg Lounge. Ed was straddling Oswald in his armchair, kissing him senseless while his clever curious hands roamed over his body. He was mindful not to get too carried away, however. He knew Oswald preferred it if Ed restricted his hands to Oswald’s upper body only. Nothing below the waist. Although on occasions Oswald’s cock had shown interest, Oswald never really let Ed do anything about it, claiming that he still wasn’t ready. Ed respected that as every decent human being would.

For the last couple of days Ed had come to the realization that Oswald may never really feel ready to upgrade their level of physical intimacy. From what Ed could deduce, Oswald was probably somewhere on the asexuality spectrum, in which case Ed had to face the very real possibility that Oswald might never truly be interested in having sex. Luckily that was only a minor inconvenience. Ed loved Oswald for his mind, his personality, his beautiful heart, so if Oswald wasn’t comfortable with sex, then Ed was ready to accept that. Hugs, kisses and snuggles were amazing too.  

And yet today things felt different. Oswald was bolder than usual, his own hands becoming more curious in their exploration of Edward’s body. The sounds he uttered, his responses to Edward’s touch made Ed wonder…

“How about you take me to your mansion?” Ed suggested, pressing their foreheads together, eyes pierced on Oswald as if he’d consume him whole just with his gaze.

“Okay!” Oswald grinned breathless.

“Wait… When you say okay do you mean okay okay or _okay okay_?”

Oswald chuckled, all flustered. “You’re ridiculous, Ed.” He pressed another kiss to his lips.

“But are you sure you really want this?” Ed asked. He suddenly felt uncertain if Oswald actually meant it or was he just trying to please Ed.

“I’m sure I want to try this with you.” Oswald said sincerely.

Ed examined his face very carefully. What he saw in Oswald’s eyes made his heart skip a beat. He grinned and gave Oswald a quick kiss before intertwining their fingers together and sliding off from Oswald’s lap.

They rushed to Oswald’s car, hand in hand like a couple of crazy teenagers. The car ride to the mansion was all giggles and blushes on Oswald's part. It was insane how giddy he looked. Ed loved it! Several times he tried to slide his hands under Oswald’s clothes to reach various intimate places and _touch_ but Oswald kept slapping him playfully, insisting they waited till they were actually in his bedroom. It was a good thing there was a parting wall between them and the driver because otherwise this whole situation might have been too embarrassing.

When the mansion was finally in sight, Oswald’s face was tomato red, his lips swollen from kisses and even his hair was a mess. Luckily Oswald himself had no idea how disheveled he looked or he’d definitely freak out about it. Ed found it adorable and amusing but decided to keep that to himself.

The walk to Oswald’s bedroom was more like a sprint. Oswald was rather self-conscious about his limp all the sudden but Ed took every opportunity to press him against a wall and kiss him senseless until those thoughts were out of Oswald’s head. He wanted to make Oswald feel desired and loved. Oswald had opened a whole new world for Ed and Ed wanted to return the favor in kind. Even sex had new dimensions with Oswald, reaching a sort of a spiritual level that Ed hadn’t felt in a long time. It was not only new, it also made his head heady with excitement.  

“Nice bedroom.” Ed smirked, not really looking at the room at all. He closed the door behind them, eyes not once wavering from Oswald, as he began to unbutton his shirt.

Oswald’s eyes followed the movements as he swallowed nervously. His hands were trembling, it was ridiculous how affected he was by this whole thing. He suddenly felt terribly inept. Such desires were rare for him. In fact, he wasn’t sure he’d even want to sleep with anyone other than Ed. As if the most appealing part of having sex was that the man he was having it with was Ed. And yet here Oswald was, still a virgin in his mid 30’s, standing in his bedroom with the man he loved more than anything, and unable to move. He had no idea what to do, he only _wanted_ . Ed, on the other hand, seemed… well, he seemed quite _experienced_. He knew what he was doing. He was also a handsome man. In contrast Oswald with his long crooked nose, pale freckled skin, dark circles under his eyes, his twisted leg and his limp, his flabby tummy… Oswald was far from any conventional ideals of beauty. He was suddenly very aware of that and caught himself wondering why on Earth would a guy like Ed even look at him?  

Too self-conscious to proceed, Oswald remained frozen in front of his bed, blinking at Ed and trying desperately to get a hold of himself.

“Ed…” he muttered quietly, glancing down at his hands awkwardly.

As if sensing what was wrong, Ed crossed the distance between them, taking Oswald into his arms and pressing a chaste kiss to his forehead.

“It’s alright, little bird. I’ve got you. I love you.”  

His voice was soothing and warm and it made Oswald visibly relax in his embrace.

“I trust you, Ed.” he whispered, looking up at him candidly. “Trust is so hard to find, especially in Gotham… especially for me…. But I trust _you_.”

Oswald’s blue-green eyes were gazing at him, big and honest, filled with affection. Ed was dumbfounded. He had no idea he could fall harder for this man but apparently he could.  

Oswald’s gaze fell down to Ed’s mouth and he parted his lips a little as he leaned up to close the distance between them.

Ed pulled away. “Oswald, we don’t have to--”

“I want to.” Oswald assured.

His arms wrapped around Ed’s shoulders as he pressed their lips together. As he kissed back, Ed realized Oswald was standing on his tiptoes in order to reach him. How adorable was that!? He smiled into the kiss and deepened it. Then, realizing that this might be Oswald’s first time, he gently slid his hands down Oswald’s body until they rested at the buttons of his suit.

“Come, let me remove that suit of armor of yours.” he whispered, meaning Oswald’s well-tailored suit.

Oswald chuckled and nodded his consent.  

Removing Oswald’s clothes was like unwrapping a gift. All those layers keeping Oswald safe, like a protective shell from the outside world, and he trusted Edward enough to allow him to take them off, to bare him naked not just physically but also emotionally. Ed realized how much that meant to Oswald. He could recognize the bravery and he admired it. Ed himself had been naked in front of many people in his life, and yet he never had the courage to bare himself emotionally. Not since… well, not since a long time ago. In that respect, Oswald now was much stronger than him. A part of Ed wished to learn from that. In a way Oswald was like a teacher to him, but a really hot teacher that Ed wanted to spend many nights with. Granted, the whole teacher metaphor may not be very appropriate at the moment, especially since in this case Ed might have to be the one to teach. Oswald was glaringly inexperienced but like with everything else in his life he was pouring his entire heart into it. His enthusiasm, his curiosity, his energy, his desire were more than making up for his lack of experience.

Ed was right, Oswald was indeed a passionate man. And there was no trace of doubt left in Edward’s heart that Oswald loved him. He had repeatedly said so but now Ed was certain. Love was practically oozing from Oswald, evident in every kiss, every touch, every sigh. It intoxicated Ed, making him repeat the words over and over again. _I love you_ . Now that he had finally said it, he did not want to ever stop saying it. _I love you. Let me love you in return._

~*~

The morning after was blissful. The sun was softly seeping through the small opening in the thick curtains of Oswald’s bedroom, the room itself felt cozy and intimate, and Edward was literally tangled in a sleeping Oswald. Oswald was like a particularly greedy octopus, wrapped around Ed’s body with his nose buried in Ed’s neck. Ed wouldn’t be surprised if he was drooling a little there, a thought that only brought a wider grin on Edward’s face.

Oswald seemed to enjoy their activities from last night. Although Ed suspected a great part of his pleasure came from the intimacies they shared rather than the physical act itself. It was something Ed cherished too about their first night together. It set Oswald apart from all his other partners.

Usually an early riser himself, Ed decided to stay in bed this time, so he snuggled Oswald some more, shut his eyes and let sleep enwrap him, again.

~*~

“Miss Kean? Mr. Cobblepot wishes to speak with you in his office.” Mr. Penn informed.

Barbara frowned, wondering if she’d done something to upset Oswald, but when she turned back to Mr. Penn she gave him her sweetest fake smile. “I’ll be right there.”

Before heading to Oswald’s office she took another quick glance at the Lounge. Everything seemed to be perfect, even to Oswald’s standards. There was no reason for him to be mad. Besides he rarely was mad lately, his tantrums becoming sort of a rarity. Apparently his relations with Ed Nygma were… _satisfactory_. Barbara couldn’t help the little giggle that escaped from her at the thought. Penguin was so transparent sometimes! He was practically glowing these last days and it left little to Barbara’s imagination as to the reason. She felt personally proud of herself for coming up with the glorious idea of hiring Edward Nygma. Who knew the beanpole would turn out to be Oswald’s type!

She reached the office door and tried to will her grin back into an at least somewhat less suspicious smile.

“Oswald? Ozzy? You wanted me?” She beamed at him.

He was sitting behind his desk, gazing absentmindedly out of the window. When he heard her enter he waved at her to come in.

“Yes, Barbara. There’s something I need to discuss with you.”

“Uh-oh. You look serious.” Barbara said, closing the door behind her and taking her usual seat on Oswald’s desk. “What’s wrong?”  

“No, nothing’s wrong exactly.” Oswald said, searching for the right words. “Barbara, we’ve been working together for _a long_ time.”

“We have.” She agreed, the smile on her face wavering a little. Where was this going? “And quite a successful partnership we have, I’d say.”

“Right. You’ve been involved in the Lounge in one way or another since before the official opening.”

She nodded again. “I have. We both worked hard to get where we are today.”

Was Penguin about to fire her? The little twerp! He couldn’t do that!

“Barbara, you’ve been a great employee over the years--”

Oswald gave her a rather melancholic smile and that was it. Barbara exploded.

“Damn it, Oswald! It was better when you were yelling at me all the time!” she cried out.

Oswald blinked with a start. “Um…?”

“You want to get rid of me, at least do it decently! By sending a hot hitwoman to slit my throat.”

Oswald shook his head confusedly. “That’s not what I’m doing here.” he said but was once again cut off.

“Firing me is like an insult! If you want to end our partnership I deserve to be treated like a proper enemy! Not fired as if I don’t matter!”   

 _“I’m not firing you, Barbara!”_ Oswald yelled as loudly as he could.

That finally shut her up. “You’re not?” she asked softer.

Oswald sucked in a deep breath, glad to finally have her proper attention.

“No.” he said. “But thanks for putting that thought in my head. I might consider it.”

Barbara gave him a look. “I don’t get it then. If you’re not firing me then what’s all this about?”

“I wanted to ask you to look after the Lounge for me.” he explained. “I’ll be away for a while and I need someone trustworthy, someone I know can handle it. And that’s you.”

“Me?” Barbara blinked. Then she narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously. “Why? Where are you going?”

“I, um, I’m going on a vacation.” he muttered somewhat sheepishly.

She stared at him. “You? No way. Where are you _really_ going?”

“ _That’s_ where I’m really going.”

“Oh! So it’s a secret! Are you landing some top secret deal? Or preparing a supervillainous plan for Gotham? Just blink once for deal, twice for supervillainous plan.” She mouthed.

“I’m actually going on a vacation, Barbara.” Oswald groaned impatiently.

Now Barbara looked genuinely worried. “Are you dying, Oswald? Is that it? Are you sick? Are you going to look for a cure? I can help! I know people. I know someone who came back from the dead!”  

He rolled his eyes. “I’m not sick, Barbara. And I’m not dying unless you misunderstanding me all the time suddenly ends my life.”

She frowned and pouted slightly. “How are _you_ taking a vacation? This is so unexpected and so unlike you.”

Oswald suddenly frowned. “Who returned from the dead?” he wondered out loud.

Barbara waved it off. “That’s not important. I don’t gossip.”

Oswald gave her a look and bit back his laughter.

“So will you do it?” he asked. “Look after the Lounge?”

“Definitely!” Barbara shook his hand. “But… where are you going?”

“Out of Gotham for a while.”

“Just you?”

Did she imagine it or did Penguin just blush a little?

“Well, not exactly…” he muttered.  

Realization downed and Barbara beamed at him, guessing the details of the situation.

“My good friend Edward is joining me.” Oswald continued.

She nodded with understanding, trying her best to act casual. “Your good friend Edward. That’s nice.”

Oswald nodded too. Everything was perfectly casual. “Yes. We talked and he needs a vacation, I need a vacation… So we thought it’d be nice to--.”

“Have a vacation!” Barbara supplied with a grin.

Oswald nodded. “Exactly.”

“Well, I bet it will be nice.” Barbara agreed, biting back her grin. “Well, I’ll take care of the Lounge for you. You don’t have to worry. You just enjoy your nice vacation with your good friend Edward.”

“Thank you, Barbara.” Oswald smiled.

“You’re welcome, Oswald.” She said sweetly and then headed to the door.

As she walked slowly she kept biting at her lower lip to prevent herself from blurting out something she might later regret. She was just so excited for Oswald! He deserved to chill a little, to have some fun. He’s been through enough! And she definitely didn't want to tease him about it. Quite the opposite really, she wanted to encourage him. But there were some remarks that even women stronger than Barbara Kean could not possibly keep to themselves.

“Climb that beanpole like a tree!” She giggled excitedly as she slipped out of the door.  

“WHAAAAT!?”

She could hear Oswald screaming from his office but she was already gone.

~*~  

“Edward Nygma, you dog! What exactly are you doing with Oswald?”

“Nothing much.” Edward replied, choosing his clothes for their vacation as he talked to Barbara Kean on the phone.

“You two are off to some kind of exotic secret honeymoon and you haven’t even told me. So mysterious.”

“I take it Oswald asked you to manage the Lounge?”

“He did.” Barbara confirmed, sounding slightly uneasy all the sudden. “And apparently you knew about that too and never mentioned it to me. Edward. Should I be worried? Have you gone rogue?”

“There’s nothing for you to worry about, Barbara.” Edward assured.

She exhaled loudly in the phone. “Need I remind you that I’m still paying you? And I don’t want you to hurt Oswald. So whatever you’re doing, he has to be unharmed. Is that clear?”

Edward stopped in his tracks. “I promise hurting Oswald is not my intention.” he said seriously. “Barbara… we need to talk in private. Face to face.”

“Okay…?”

“Can you come over to the Riddle Factory this afternoon? This is rather important to me. And to you too, I imagine.”

“I hope this isn’t bad news. I have short temper and killer shoes. _Literally_.”

“You won’t need those. I just need to tell you something.” Ed said.

“If you’re gonna ask for a pay raise for the vacation, I’m breaking the deal.” Barbara joked and hung up.

~*~  

Sofia came to the mansion unexpected.

“Oswald. You weren’t at the Iceberg Lounge. I was worried you were unwell.”

Oswald huffed. “Why can no one believe I can take a day off?”

“Well, I’m glad you’re not sick.” she smiled. “Um… I saw packed suitcases in the hall?”

“Yes, I’m going on a short vacation.”

“Oh! Where?”

“It’s a surprise.” Oswald couldn’t help the grin on his face.

Sofia smiled in kind. “How long will you be gone?” she inquired.

“A week or so.”

“But what about your empire? People might take advantage...”

“I’ve taken care of everything. Nothing will go wrong. Besides, it’s only one week or so.”

Sofia pursed her lips. “My father would--”

“I’m sorry, Sofia,” Oswald interrupted, “but I’m not your father.”

A look of surprise passed over her face for just a moment before she chuckled. “Of course not. I’m sure you know what you’re doing.”

Oswald just nodded. He looked kind of distracted. Perhaps preoccupied with preparations for his trip out of Gotham.

“Do you need help packing?” Sofia offered.

“No, I’ve got it under control. Thank you.”

Sofia smiled then. “Well, in that case I wish you a very pleasant vacation.”

“It will be. Thank you.” Oswald smiled in return.

Reluctantly Sofia left.

~*~

“So I’m here now. What is it that you’re so desperate to talk about?” Barbara asked after she ordered her usual drink at the Riddler Factory.  

“Barbara, I don’t want your money anymore.” Edward said firmly. There was no point in beating around the bush, no need for small talk and pleasantries. He wanted to have this conversation with her for some time now and he was not going to delay it any longer.  

Barbara’s face fell. “Are you quitting, Ed? You can’t just leave Oswald a day before your vacation. That’ll have a horrible effect on me!”

“No, I-- I’m not leaving Oswald.” he clarified. “I just don’t want you to pay me for it anymore.”

He swallowed nervously. Why was he so filled with anxiety about telling Barbara this?

She took a moment to take the information in.

“Oh, my God. You love him.” she concluded.

Edward gave a nod.

“Since when?” she continued.

“A while.” Edward replied.

“And you hope to--”

“To build a life with him, yes.”

Barbara still seemed too confused to follow. “But how? Does he know about--?”

“No. And I hope you’d be discreet about it.” That was the bit that made Ed feel like a horrible person. But he saw no other alternative but to never tell Oswald about his deal with Barbara Kean. “I hate to keep this from him but I don’t want to break his trust…”

“You’re afraid he’d hate you if he knew you were hired to seduce him?”

Ed gave another nod.

“He might even kill you.” Barbara added. “He’s killed people for less.”

Ed swallowed. “The point is, I love him. And I know you care about him so I promise you I’m going to make him happy.”

Barbara blinked and then burst into a merry laughter. “Are you asking me for my blessing, riddle boy?”

“I-- I guess I am.” Ed said rather surprised himself. That was not his intention when he invited Barbara here but now as he was having this conversation with her it became clear to him that her ‘blessing’ was something he would much like to have.

“That’s ridiculous. I’m not his mother.” Barbara waved it off amused. Then she suddenly became deadly serious, “But if you hurt him, I’ll destroy you.”

“Agreed.”  

“I’m not joking.” She warned. “This is our new deal now. Deals are sort of our thing, after all. I won’t get in your way. But hurt him and you get stabbed.”

“That sounds very fair.”

They shook on it and afterwards to Ed’s great surprise Barbara gave him a hug.

It was strange to see her this emotional but on the other hand, it made sense. For a long time she had been the closest person to Oswald after his mother’s death. Even if the two never officially called the other ‘a friend’, mostly referring to one another as ‘conspirators’ or simply claimed they ‘shared a history’, Ed wasn’t fooled by their display. What they had was a friendship. He knew both Oswald and Barbara had a very active self-preservation instinct. They’ve both been hurt enough to know how to appear tougher than they were, stifling down their true feelings and affections. However, the fact that Barbara truly cared about Oswald, made Edward strangely happy.

“Okay. Now I’m gonna go. You make sure you treat my Penguin right!” she warned, raising a finger at him.  

Ed grinned. “Are you crying?”

“No!”

“Your voice sounds weird.”

“I spent last night singing karaoke, my throat is soar. Now drop it!”

Ed chuckled fondly. “Thank you, Barbara.”

Barbara slipped off the barstool and grabbed her purse. “Yeah. You should thank me. I turned your life into a freaking rom-com.”

~*~  

Oswald had booked a lovely lodge for them. Secluded and private, cozy and intimate, with lots of beautiful trees surrounding it, it felt like a little fairytale world just for them.

“Do you like it?” Oswald asked, holding his breath with anticipation. Ed’s opinion was clearly very important to him, he craved to make him happy.

“I love it!” Edward wrapped his arms around Oswald, kissing him and showing him his exaltation.

He was very happy indeed. This getaway was like a new chapter in their relationship. At least to Ed it was because he knew what a significant milestone that was for him. Saying goodbye to his old life and letting in the new beautiful feeling that was his love for Oswald.

Seeing the joy on Oswald’s face, a joy Ed put there, gave him a new sense of fulfillment.

“Shall we go explore?” he asked, putting their luggage away.

“You go if you want. I can’t just yet.” Oswald winced a little as he waddled to the bed, sitting ankle to knee and holding his bad leg.

Ed frowned. “You’re in pain?”

“It’s just the weather and the road… I need a few hours to rest and I’ll be fine.” Oswald assured.

Ed walked to the bed and kneeled in front of Oswald, reaching out for his fly.

“Ed!” Oswald gaped.

“I’ll massage your leg.” Ed explained. “It’ll ease your pain. But I need you to take off your pants first.”

“Oh. Of course.” Oswald flushed, embarrassed and helped Ed remove his shoes and trousers.

Ed smirked. “What a dirty mind you have, Mr. Penguin!” He teased.

“Hush.” Oswald bit back his own grin.

Edward was right. The massage did ease his pain and soon Ed’s touches changed from medical to intimate. Oswald in turn relaxed into his darling Ed’s arms and surrendered to the lovely feelings he inspired in him. Loving Edward was blissful and being loved by Edward was sublime.

_Some say happiness is fleeting. It enwraps you in a bubble of joy, taking you higher and higher, showing you a whole new look on the world, allowing you to better feel the warm rays of the sun. But eventually the bubble bursts and when it does you fall on the cold hard ground, broken, and then all you crave is the shadows. Can you trust happiness then, if all you ever get is glimpses of its mystical allure? Is the high really worth the low? Is the memory of something wonderful enough to last a lifetime? And is ignorance truly a bliss?_

The door to their lodge burst open, causing Ed to throw himself protectively over Oswald. But that was no attack. At least, not a conventional one.

“Sofia!? What, the hell, are you doing!?” Oswald gasped, quickly pulling his robe over his half-bare torso. Ed, too, covered himself.

Sofia looked utterly unbothered by Oswald’s exclamation or their state of undress. She glared at Edward.

“How much did you get paid for this?” she demanded, voice cold as ice.

“What?” Oswald snorted. “Sofia, you misunderstand. Ed is not a prostitute. I didn’t hire him. He actually likes me.”

Oswald laughed a little at his own words, the mere thought of Edward’s love filling him with joy.

“I never said _you_ did.” Sofia corrected.

Oswald frowned, trying to understand when Edward spoke.

“Just leave, Sofia. This has nothing to do with you.”

“How much did you get paid, Edward?” Sofia persisted. “ _How much?_ ”

“Nothing.” Edward replied firmly.

Oswald looked at him puzzled and then back at Sofia. “I don’t know what you think this is but I don’t like it. Sofia, I suggest you turn around and go back to Gotham. I’m on my vacation and how did you even find me here?”

Sofia turned to Oswald then, sadness and pity in her eyes. “Oswald, I’m so sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I have to tell you this. I cannot let you live a lie.” she inhaled deeply. “Edward is--”

“Just send her away, Oswald! She’s interrupting our vacation!” Edward insisted.

“He was hired to seduce you, Oswald!” Sofia blurted out. “He is generously paid to keep you satisfied.”

“Pfft. Nonsense.” Oswald laughed.

“He’s a gigolo, Oswald! He was paid to sleep with you!” Sofia barked. “Ask him if you don’t believe me.”

Oswald kept laughing, glancing at Ed and pointing at Sofia. “Insane!” He snorted again.

At first he was amused by the ridiculousness of this entire farse. But then he noticed that Edward remained very very still and very very serious. So Oswald’s laughter slowly became more strained and forced until eventually it died down and was replaced by a look of horror.  

“Edward? Tell me she’s insane…?” He pleaded, dread rising from the pit of his stomach.

Edward inhaled sharply, lips pursed, face still deadly serious.

“Edward! Tell me the truth now!” Oswald insisted louder.

“I’m sorry, Oswald.” Ed said, voice low. “I was hired to woo you. That’s how it started. But then I refused the money. My feelings for you are real.”

Just the hurt look in Oswald’s eyes was enough to break Edward’s heart. He hated Sofia so much at this moment. But most of all he hated himself for allowing this to happen. He had to make sure to protect Oswald from this heartache, instead he inflicted it. No amount of regret could change that.  

Oswald’s eyes were glassy with tears, threatening to spill out of them. “Deep down I knew you were using me.” he said, voice barely a whisper, a sad smile on his trembling lips. “I just didn't think you were also betraying me.”

“Oswald, I swear--” Ed tried to explain but he was quickly cut off.

“All this time you were hired to pretend…. I’m a fool for not seeing it.” He bit his lip.

“Oswald, I love you.”

“Shut up!” Oswald cried. “You don’t get to say that anymore! It’s a lie! It’s all a lie! You were _hired_ to do all that, Ed! You were _getting paid_ to be with me!” his voice was cracking, tears freely falling down his cheeks now, hands still shaking. He was having a mental breakdown and there was no preventing it now. “Who hired you?” Oswald hissed. “Who’s betrayed me?”

“There was no malice behind it. I won’t tell you who it was.” Edward said.

Oswald’s eyes went wide. “You’re protecting them!? You’re protecting my enemies!?”

“It was Barbara Kean who hired him, Oswald.” Sofia supplied.

Oswald let out an inhuman cry. “Barbara!? Barbara hired you to fuck me!? Barbara’s the traitor!?”

“That’s not how it happened! Oswald, please, just let me speak!” Ed tried again. It was all in vain.

“You made fun of me! Both of you! You and Barbara! You made fun of me! All this time I thought perhaps he could grow to really like me. Perhaps if I let him in he'll see more in me than just the means to whatever end he’s after. But you... You never would've cared, would you?”

“That’s not true, Oswald! I actually fell in love with you!”

Oswald laughed bitterly. “Please. Don't insult my intelligence any further. Your days of making a fool of me are _over_ . _Enough!_ As for Barbara…” He pursed his lips, inhaling sharply. “She’s going to _pay_ for what she did to me.”

“Barbara is your friend, Oswald. She acted out of care. It’s Sofia you should be worried about!” Edward glared at Miss Falcone again but Oswald was blind to her manipulations.

“Sofia was the only one who saw through your bullshit!” He yelled. “I should've listened to her from the start! She warned me about you but I ignored it and let myself sink deeper and deeper into your deception!”

“She’s planning something, I just know it!” Ed pleaded. “You’re in danger! Please, believe me, Oswald!”

Oswald looked at him bitterly. “How could I?”

There was so much in those three simple words. So much pain. So much sorrow. So much disappointment. _How could I believe you, Ed? How could I let myself fall in love with you? How could I trust you? How could I love you after what you’ve done?_

Edward’s heart sunk.

Sofia hooked her hand under Oswald’s arm and pulled him further away from Ed. “Come, Oswald. Let’s get you home.” She said softly, soothing him.  

“Oswald, I love you!” Edward cried out desperately, hoping that Oswald would feel the truthfulness of that statement. But he was wrong.

In the blink of an eye a cold blade was pressed to Edward’s neck. Oswald’s blade. The one from his cane. He had shown it to Ed before, the two making jokes about it. There was nothing funny now. Oswald’s glare was piercing through Edwards’s very soul, scorching it. And it felt right. It was meant to be this way. Edward deserved it.

“Do it.” he whispered, closing his eyes, surrendering to Oswald’s bitter rage. “Slit my throat. But know that I did not betray you. It may have started like a job, but I did grow to love you, Oswald. What I said to you, all those things we shared, everything was true. It started with a lie but my love for you could not be more real.”  

He felt a hot tear drop on his cheek. He opened his eyes again to see that Oswald was sobbing. The tears streaming down his cheeks and dripping on Ed despite Oswald’s efforts to keep them in.

“Stop talking… please…” Penguin whispered, voice a mere breath. “Just… make it all stop…”

Edward wanted nothing more but to pull him into his embrace, wrap him in warmth and prove his love for him. But he couldn’t. He had lost that privilege.

The blade was still pressed to his neck, Oswald’s hands shaking dangerously. And then…

“Go.” Oswald whispered weakly. The blade was gone, dropped to the floor and abandoned. “Just go. Get out of my life. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

Ed was confused. Like Barbara pointed out in their last meeting, Oswald Cobblepot had killed people for less. Ed had broken his heart, betrayed his trust, made a fool of him. Yet Penguin would let him walk free? Why? Why if not for love?

“Oswald!” Sofia said, both eyebrows shot up in surprise. “What he did deserves punishment! If you can’t, I could--”  

“Let me deal with this, Sofia.” Oswald cut her off. Then he turned towards Edward again but refused to look him in the eyes. “Go.”  

“Oswald…” Edward reached out for the other man’s trembling hand but Oswald pulled away, turning his back to him. The gesture made him look even more vulnerable. It would’ve been so easy for Ed to grab the knife from the floor and plunge it into the crime lord’s back. Oswald in his right mind would never have turned his back to someone he perceived as an enemy. If Ed was a real traitor, if killing Oswald had been his goal, Oswald was making it too easy for him. But Ed never meant to hurt Oswald. He never thought their feelings would grow this strong. What started as a lark, was now their doom.

“I’m sorry, Oswald. I really am.” he said instead.

“I’ve really got nobody.” Was all Oswald whispered before he walked out of Ed’s life forever.


	3. You Rascal You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning** : Depression and thoughts of suicide in the beginning of this chapter, also mentions of blood in the middle but nothing too explicit. And of course the long awaited happy ending!!!
> 
> The title of this chapter is taken from another old song. The song itself is irrelevant to the story but it sort of makes me imagine Ed being all mischievous and ridiculous in the best sense, so I thought I'd share it with you :D Here’s the Louis Prima version of it -- [You Rascal You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsWCZ_wXjHs).
> 
> A huge thank you to all my wonderful readers for all the amazing comments, the kudos and for reading this!  
> Enjoy!

Oswald remained silent the whole ride back home to Gotham. Sofia was right next to him, ready to offer a shoulder for him to cry on. He kept his distance instead. He had no tears left. The emptiness inside him made him feel drained and numb. The only thing he truly wanted at this moment was oblivion. Darkness and silence, death and solitude. In the end those were the only things that offered peace. 

This was hardly Oswald’s first heartbreak. Oswald’s heart had been broken many times. It broke when his mother died, it broke when his father died, it broke each time he lost people he assumed were his friends, people he thought he could trust only to be faced with another betrayal, it broke when he was alone against everyone and everything, it broke whenever he lost everything he ever fought for, it broke over and over again. Oswald had had many hardships in his life. One could say suffering was his default. And yet he always managed to keep going, always getting back on his feet, ready to start all over again, to learn from his mistakes and make a comeback new and improved. But never in his life had he felt as profoundly happy as he did when he was with Ed. And after knowing happiness with Ed it was so difficult to go back to his previous bleak existence. It was suddenly abandonly clear how miserable he’d been all his life. The realization stunned him. What good was it all then? Why even bother to get back on his feet again? He had no strength left, no ambition, no desire to go on. He had lost a huge part of himself and he was now devastated.   

He had always assumed the death of his mother was the toughest blow he had ever been faced with in life. It was then when he lost everything that truly mattered in his world. Now a different yet similarly strong pain was settling in his heart. Not just Edward’s betrayal and his lies, no. It was the loss of what could’ve been with Edward that truly hurt him the most. He missed the version of Edward that he knew and had. He was mourning for something that hadn’t even been real to anyone but him, something fictional that only he cherished. However, even though the happiness he felt during those last months was based on a lie, the pain he felt how was very much real. It hurt constantly and it didn’t seem like it was ever going away. 

Sofia’s hand on his shoulder pulled him out of his grim thoughts. 

“Oswald? We’re here.” she said softly. 

He glanced out the window and recognized his mansion. His father’s estate that was supposed to be  _ their home _ . But then he too was taken from Oswald, killed. Oswald dared to hope he could be happy with his father, have a real family with him, and once again that happiness was cruelly snatched from his hands. Why did he have to lose everyone he ever loved in his life? It was too cruel. Even for Gotham. 

A tear slowly slid down his face and Sofia gave him a saddened look. 

“Oswald, I’m sorry I was the one to tell you this but I had to open your eyes. If there were any way to spare you the disappointment, I would’ve done that.” she said. 

“You did well.” Oswald said, voice raspy from the long silence. He wiped away the tear from his face, inhaling sharply. “You did well.” he repeated once again. It was better to know the truth, even if the truth was so painful, than to be a blind happy fool, weakened by love. 

He reached to open the door of the car and slide out of it when Sofia stopped him once again. “I know this is perhaps a bad time but… what are you going to do about Barbara Kean?” 

Another pang of pain coursed through Oswald’s chest. Barbara was another disappointment he had to handle. He hadn’t realized how much her loyalty meant to him until he was faced with her betrayal. It turned out deep down he had considered Barbara a constant in his life, someone he could rely on. Perhaps even _a_ _friend_. But that also was a lie. Barbara had been planning his demise this whole time, planting a gigolo in his life to achieve some dubious ends of her own. Was anything in Oswald's life real? Did he live an illusion? 

Out loud he only shook his head. “I have to sleep on it.”

He really didn’t want to have to deal with Barbara right now. He was aware that logically he had to make an example of her so that no one dared cross the Penguin ever again. But facing her after what she’d done to him… it was too much. 

“If you want I can deal with it.” Sofia offered. “I’ll do it on your behalf.”  

Oswald was about to refuse, tell Sofia that Barbara was his responsibility, his revenge. But then he couldn’t find it in him to do that. There was nothingness in his soul, no desire to assert his power, not even the familiar thirst for a reckoning. 

He only shrugged. “Do with her as you wish.” he said and left. 

~*~  

Oswald’s depression only got worse after that. He spent his days like a ghost, haunting his own home. Often he’d find himself in his bed, snuggling in an old T-shirt Ed used to wear under his stupid green suit. Ed’s scent was lingering still and Oswald chased after it desperately. The softness of the material reminded him of Ed’s sweet caresses. He wished he could get angry, break stuff, kill someone and get it over with. But his heart was too wounded and no rage could heal it. Being mad at Edward would’ve been easier. Instead Oswald was just broken. His nights usually consisted of him getting dead drunk and passing out on that same couch on which he and Ed had spent so many of their cozy evenings. In that same study where they had first kissed. He was pathetic but he couldn’t find it in him to care. 

There were no news from Ed. And wasn’t it just hilariously stupid that a part of Oswald had secretly hoped that Edward would pursue him? That he would come back to him, with his clever riddles, begging forgiveness and explaining that the words they exchanged in the lodge were true, that his last  _ I love you  _ wasn’t merely a way for him to save his own skin. That he meant it when he said it and it wasn’t just a trick so that Oswald wouldn’t kill him. But of course Edward got what he wanted from Oswald so now Oswald was in his past. Whereas Oswald himself lost so much. 

Not just the heartbreak that Edward didn’t love him back pained him so much. It was that pain combined with the bitter realization that this was as good as life was ever going to be for him. He was  _ always  _ going to feel empty, lost, numb, angry, depressed, alone and distrustful. He felt this way his entire conscious life and that was always going to be the end result no matter what he tried. It was about time he accepted that this was not about to change in the future. It was a part of him and it was here to stay; a vicious circle he could not break. So what was the point? 

The bleak reality was too overwhelming for him. It was no surprise that eventually he started contemplating the idea of embracing death.  

 

_ My father was never physically ill. He only suffered a deep melancholy. He was plagued by dark impulses, evil thoughts of violence. Mother said many in his family had the same affliction. I remember the sound of the gunshot. I was outside his room. I screamed for my mother to get the key. I saw the warm gun in his hand. The blood. His face. Mother said never to talk about it. For years after the funeral, we never left the house. I don't pretend to understand my fathers torment. But I think perhaps you do. I feel for you, and I beg of you, my son. Never give in to the pain as he did. You are loved, and you are not alone. And the sun will come up tomorrow. _

 

Those were his father’s words not too long before he was poisoned. Oswald had often held onto those words in his most darkest of hours, doing his best to not disappoint the man, to stay strong for him. Somehow it was considerably harder to follow that advice now. The desire to end his misery and stop his aching heart forever, was the only desire left in him these last few days. He wondered how long until he lost the fight and surrendered to it. 

The last blow came when Sofia visited him in the mansion. She was taken aback by his appearance which was no surprise. He looked horrible and probably smelled horrible too. He hadn’t thought much of it before he saw Sofia’s face when she beheld him. He had completely abandoned his hygiene, had been wearing the same clothes for days, and had even neglected his hair which was usually unthinkable for him. The dark circles under his eyes were more prominent than usual. He hadn’t slept or eaten properly for days and it showed. Not only did he live like a ghost, he also looked like something that crawled out of a cemetary too. A stark contrast to the man he used to be. He never thought of himself as handsome (no matter what his mother claimed) but he did always dressed himself as a gentleman. He was far from it now. 

Sofia observed him for a moment, possibly judging him for the state he was in, and then finally she spoke. 

“I came to check up on you.” she said. 

“Thanks.” Oswald forced himself to reply. “You didn't have to do that.” 

“I’m still your friend, Oswald, and I worry about you.” She reached out to put a hand on top of his but when he remained unresponsive to the touch she thought better of it. “Don’t you want to know what happened to Barbara Kean?” she asked instead, changing the topic. Perhaps she thought work would get him out of his miserable state. He doubted that. When no reply followed, she continued, “What about Nygma? Don’t you want to know what he’s up to?”

Oswald shut his eyes again, trying to chase away the wetness that was gathering there at the mention of Ed. 

“He’s hardly a real threat.” Oswald said out loud, willing his voice to sound somewhat less strained and shaky. “He was a tool Barbara used against me but there’s nothing more to it. He meant no harm and he did no harm. No  _ professional  _ harm.” 

Sofia frowned slightly. “You don’t see him as a threat?” 

Oswald shook his head. 

“But he possesses intimate information about you.” she persisted with passion. “He could use it against you. Don’t you want to prevent him from--” 

“He won’t do anything like that, Sofia. He was paid to seduce me. He succeeded. Now he’s moved on. He won’t take any interest in me anymore.” 

She shifted in her seat. “Moved on he sure has. I have my men keeping an eye on him, just in case. They’ve spotted him with some guy, tall, well-built, quite handsome. They make quite the couple. I have pictures if you want to see…” 

Oswald shook his head. He didn’t want to see that! The mere thought of it made him ache more. 

“It appears to me, Oswald, that you still have feelings for Edward.” 

Oswald reached out for the decanter to pour himself another drink but then changed his mind and gulped the alcohol directly from it. 

“You’re being very destructive to yourself.” Sofia noted, a constatation devoid of any emotion, merely a rational assessment of a reality. “It’s affecting your empire.” 

Oswald frowned, keeping the now near empty decanter to his chest. “My empire?” 

Sofia nodded. “You’re weak. And people talk. You’re losing your stand. You’re easy to remove, Oswald.” 

“You took care of Barbara, I presume. I’m sure that was enough of a warning to anybody who wants to try anything.” Oswald waved it off. 

Sofia shook her head. “I don’t think it is.” she said. “You are clearly in no condition to do anything. And they can sense it. They can sense your weakness and they will take advantage of the situation. They’d be fools not to.” 

Oswald hated how she made sense. He wished he had the strength to protect what he had devoted himself to built his entire life but he was too vulnerable. 

“Someone has to take care of your ‘child’ while you’re--” Sofia cleared her throat. “--incapable.” 

“What are you saying?” 

“I’ll keep your empire safe.” she promised. “I’ll protect it for you until you’re better. I’ll make sure everything is right. I know how it’s done. I’ve seen my father do it for ages.” 

Oswald shook his head. 

“I can help you, Oswald.” she insisted, reaching out for him once again. “Sign it all to me and I’ll keep it safe for you until you’re ready to come back.” 

Her voice suddenly sounded like poison. Her touch on his hand felt toxic. He stared at her, not believing his ears for a moment until it all clicked. “So that’s what you were after.” he whispered. 

“Oswald?” Sofia half-scolded, as if hurt by his suspicions. 

A bitter smile spread across Oswald’s face. “That’s why you wanted to be my friend. And that’s why no matter how I tried to push you away, you always returned. You made me think you cared about me, made me think of you as family, but all the while you wanted my empire. You wanted Gotham.”

Typical. Everybody in his life always used him. The only person who did things for him without wanting something in return was his mother. And she was gone. Everybody else… Edward, Sofia, Barbara… the top of the iceberg, years of betrayal... and now these three knives in his back happening almost simultaneously… it was suddenly too much. 

He burst into a manic laughter, tears streaming down his eyes. “And I thought you were my friend!”  

“I am.” Sofia insisted, tension vibrating from her. She looked uneasy. She reached for her handbag and took out a folder out of it. “Now sign the documents and everything will be better.”  

She had it all planned, all prepared, Oswald realized. Oswald’s paranoia, Ed’s warnings, they were correct after all. Sofia was the enemy. 

“I won’t!” He gasped, laughing still. “I won’t sign  _ anything _ !” He pushed the folder away and sprang up from the sofa with newfound energy, lips pursed, chin up. “And I want you gone, Sofia. I want everybody gone from my life! I want to be alone!”  

He was about to leave but Sofia’s fingers wrapped around his arm, surprising him with her firm grip. 

“Don’t be silly, Oswald.” she warned. 

When he looked up her face was different, somehow her features had become colder, more ruthless. Oswald had never seen a face change so much so quickly with just a single expression. He almost didn’t recognize the Sofia he knew in the woman before him. There was hardly a trace left of that Sofia now.  

“Just because I’m down, it doesn’t mean you get to walk all over me.” he bared his teeth and demanded, “Now let me go!” 

She did but it didn’t seem to bother her much. The mocking smile remained on her face. 

“I am surprised you never sent any of your own people to find out what happened to your precious Edward.” she said instead. 

Her words made Oswald freeze. He paled. 

“What have you done to him?” he asked, his heart sinking at the thought that Sofia had probably hurt Ed. 

Sofia only tilted her head with a smile, playing with Oswald’s patience. 

“What did you do to him, Sofia?” Oswald yelled. 

“Why do you care? He broke your heart.”  

“I swear, if you hurt him--” 

“It’s true that you still love him.” She interrupted. There was disgust on her face. “You’re really so pathetic, Oswald. I still don’t understand how you managed to become King of Gotham. You’re so gullible.” she snorted. “King of the underworld, my foot. You can’t even deal with your own heart!” 

Oswald’s hands were shaking. He was tapping with his bad leg impatiently. “Where’s Ed, Sofia? Tell me what you’ve done to him or so help me I’ll--!” 

She melted into a wider smile. “Why would I hurt him? He’s my ticket to your fortune and your power.” She took the folder in hand again and offered it to Oswald. “Sign the documents, Oswald. Turn over control of the underworld to me and I’ll let Ed go.” 

Oswald glanced down at the papers again. 

“Your empire in exchange for the man you love. It’s a fair trade.” Sofia shrugged.  

Oswald pursed his lips, struggling to regain some of his brain function. He could not afford to be the drunk lovesick depressed idiot from the last couple of days. He had to be the Penguin again. He had to act. And he had to think.  

Slowly something inside him was piecing back together. Sofia had outsmarted him. She had gradually used what he loved the most against him: first Gotham and his mother’s memory, now Edward. She was a step away from taking his empire, his life’s work, she threatened to kill Edward. And Oswald would be damned if he allowed that to happen! Sofia was right about one thing -- Oswald could not let Ed die.

“I’m waiting.” Sofia nudged him. 

Oswald snorted. “You really think me  _ so stupid  _ to sign without proof you actually have Ed? Or proof that he’s okay?” he laughed. “You clearly don’t know what it takes to be a crime lord.” 

She gave him a hateful look. She clearly disliked being underestimated. Foolish. Being underestimated was what helped Oswald get this far. 

“Fine.” Sofia spat. “An exchange. Tonight.” 

Oswald nodded. “That’s better.” 

“You come  _ alone _ .” She added. 

Oswald forced a smile. “Of course.” 

~*~  

This was the last place he expected to find himself but as life had proven multiple times information was crucial. So far he had only heard one side of the story, Sofia being his sole source of information. Ed’s words in the lodge could not be trusted -- a man facing death would say anything to save his skin. Edward’s  _ I love you _ , convincing as it appeared, was nothing more but a final effort on Ed’s part to save his life. Or he could take it even further -- Ed could be working for Sofia. It was not above Sofia to have orchestrated this whole thing to break Oswald and gain the upper hand. It was possible  _ she  _ hired Ed to get under Oswald’s skin and then blame Barbara in order to alienate Oswald from her. Either ways, Oswald needed more information. He had to come to the bottom of this story and make himself painfully aware of the details from all parties involved. So here he was, at Barbara Kean’s door, wondering if he’d still even find her inside. With him giving Sofia the go-ahead to do with Barbara as she pleased, the chances of Barbara actually being alive were very slim. For all he knew she could be dead by now. Or as good as dead. Yet, one would expect the news of her death to reach Oswald and they haven’t so that made him slightly more optimistic. 

He rang the doorbell and waited. It took longer than he anticipated, then some strange noises from the inside preceded the opening of the door but eventually he was face to face with a very much alive and very furious Barbara Kean. 

“Barbara! You’re not dead!” Oswald greeted but instead of a welcome he was met with a punch in the stomach, getting the air knocked out of his lungs. 

“Pig!” Barbara yelled angrily. 

“Ow!” Oswald mouthed, bending in two and gasping for air. 

“How could you!?” Barbara gritted through her teeth. 

Oswald blinked at her a few times, trying to follow. “I sense there’s been a terrible misunderstanding.” he said when he could talk again. “I think we need to discuss it in private.” 

She considered the suggestion, glanced around to check if he was alone, then gave a curt nod and let him in. 

The inside of her otherwise stylish home was a wreck. Everything was turned upside down. Broken furniture and broken glass everywhere. Oswald walked careful not to step on something. Barbara had an eye for interior design, that terrible mess was definitely not her doing. That was either the result of a particularly wild party, or… 

“What happened in here, for crying out loud?” He finally asked, knitting his eyebrows together. 

“Have a seat anywhere, I suppose.” Barbara shrugged, heading to the minibar, which ironically was the only part of the whole place that was still in tact (or perhaps quickly replaced with a new working one). “Do you want something to drink?” 

Oswald considered the offer. “Tempting but I’d rather keep a clear head.” he said.

“Suit yourself. Clear head is the last thing I need.” Barbara muttered, making herself a cocktail. 

“Who did this?” Oswald asked, frowning. 

Barbara gave him a look. “Shouldn’t  _ you  _ know?” she sneered.  

“Honestly, I’m just glad you’re alive.” he said, meaning it. “Things happened, Barbara, and I’ve been led to believe that you betrayed me.” he swallowed rather nervously. “Is that true?” 

Barbara arched an eyebrow. 

“I don’t trust my sources.” he explained quickly. “So I came to ask you personally. Did you betray me?” 

“No.” Barbara said firmly. 

Oswald exhaled slowly. “So you weren’t the one who hired Edward Nygma?” 

“Oh, that I did.” Barbara said casually, nodding her head. “But that was  _ not  _ a betrayal.” 

“Not a betrayal!?” Oswald exclaimed, his emotions quickly escalating to explosive heights. “Of course it’s a betrayal! Why would you do that to me, Barbara!?” 

“Because you were a pain in the ass!” Barbara replied with matching vigor. “I wanted you to loosen up a bit. You were a walking ball of nerves. Stressed, angry, miserable, moody. Do you think _I_ _liked_ seeing you like that? Or that I liked listening to your frustrated yelling all the time? It had to end. So I hired Ed to give you some good time. It was a gift.” she smiled. “And it worked. You know it did. You were happier with Ed around. You certainly looked happier.” 

“It was all a lie though…” Oswald muttered quietly. 

So quietly for that matter that Barbara didn’t hear him. “What?” 

Oswald cleared his throat and raised his chin up again. “And what, you were gonna pay him to be with me forever?” 

“Well, I assumed you’d get bored of him at some point and move on to someone else.” Barbara said thoughtfully. “But if that was what it took, yeah, I would’ve paid him for as long as necessary. And he wasn’t cheap, I’ll have you know. Not just  _ anyone  _ could afford him. But only the best for my Penguin.” 

Oswald pursed his lips. “So everything Ed and I shared, everything we did together, he was informing you of it the whole time?” 

Barbara groaned. “He told me nothing. Not for lack of trying on my part either. I asked him repeatedly for some gossip but apparently he doesn’t discuss clients with other people.” 

_ Clients.  _ Oswald was just a  _ client _ . No time for emotions now,  _ focus!  _ He had to keep a clear head! 

Oswald was very serious when he spoke again. “Were you planning to use him against me?”  

Barbara seemed surprised by the question, as if the mere idea was foreign to her. “I wasn’t going to use him against you, Ozzy. That’s not what this was about. My goal was to get  _ you  _ to use  _ him  _ in any way  _ you  _ liked.” she winked. Then sighed and exasperatedly drank from her cocktail. “Instead, I got myself up to here in horseshit. And what hurts the most is that after  _ years _ of knowing one another, after  _ everything we’ve been through _ , you would actually believe I betrayed you. Who even told you that!? Whom did you believe over me? To not even come to check personally if the accusations were true...” she shook her head. “Like it didn’t even matter to you what I did. I mean, if you were gonna be this impersonal about it, you could’ve at least sent the hot henchwoman I keep daydreaming about, to slit my throat and have it over with.” 

Oswald shook his head. “Sofia.” he said quietly. “She lied and manipulated us all.” 

“Mmm, just you. She lied and manipulated  _ you _ .” Barbara corrected cheerfully.  

“I may have been a little blind to her games...” Oswald allowed. He had indeed allowed himself to be too smitten by Sofia’s relation to Don Falcone, too intrigued by her and her personality, too distracted to properly spot her lies in time. But there was no need dwelling on the past. The best thing one could do with the past was to learn from it. And learn Oswald did. Always.  _ Always learn from your mistakes and rectify them in the future. _ That was one of the golden rules.  

“A  _ little  _ blind?” Barbara snorted. 

“Despite my suspicions I never had proof! I didn’t see it coming, I admit.” 

Barbara drank from her cocktail again and rolled her eyes. “You never had proof about  _ me  _ either, never had reasons to suspect me in anything. Yet  _ that  _ didn’t stop you from giving  _ me  _ the boot. Sofia just  _ dazzled  _ you. Played you like a fiddle.” 

Oswald narrowed his eyes. “I am not too happy about this either. But Barbara, this is important.” 

“Sure.” 

“Sofia has Ed!” He blurted out unable to keep quiet about it any longer. “She’s got Ed, Barbara.”  

Barbara paled, her lips parting a little in surprise. Oswald was a pitiful sight at that moment. After uttering the words, his eyes were once again glassy with tears and she could now clearly see all the signs of neglect -- the dark circles, the hollow cheeks, everything that showed how broken Oswald felt on the inside. It made her flinch internally. 

“I need to save him.” Oswald continued, clearing his throat and doing his best to grab a hold on himself. “And I need your help for it. Do I have it?” 

Barbara was speechless for once. “You thought I betrayed you and yet you came to me for help?” she said, her voice surprisingly soft. 

“I don’t know which of my people Sofia’s turned against me. They could all be working for her for all I know.” He grunted. “But there was a small chance that she lied to me about you. And that you were still loyal. Still… my friend. I need to know you’ll have my back.” 

He looked so small and vulnerable when he said it. Barbara melted into a smile. “Oh, Ozzy! You called me your friend!” 

He rolled his eyes. “Don’t get overly emotional now!” 

“Of the two of us, you’re the emotional one.” She teased. 

There was no denying that.  

“However, this raises another question.” he said, narrowing his eyes. “Why didn’t Sofia kill you?” 

Barbara grimaced. “What are you talking about?” 

“I told Sofia to do with you as she pleased. And she didn’t kill you.” 

“Gee, thanks, Ozzy! Knowing that you wanted me dead makes me feel so much better.” Barbara rolled her eyes sarcastically. 

“Don’t change the subject.” Oswald held up a hand. “How did you convince her not to kill you? Are you working for her now?” 

“Yes, Oswald, I’m working for Sofia Falcone now.” Barbara grunted. At the incredulously hurt look on the man’s face she burst into laughter. “I’m kidding! I wouldn’t work for Sofia Falcone!” 

“What happened exactly these last days, Barbara? Tell me.” Oswald asked firmly. 

Barbara refilled her drink and began her story. 

“Shortly after you went on your vacation, your little friend Mr. Penn showed up at my door with a bunch of goons. He told me I was banned from the Iceberg Lounge, said you never wanted to see me again. That was it. No explanation, no goodbye. I thought there was some mistake. I thought he was using your absence to get rid of me for some reason. So I tried contacting you to get to the bottom of this but that didn’t work out well either. I got my place turned into the dump you see now as a warning to make me ‘stop causing trouble’. But you know me,” she winked, “trouble is like oxygen to me. Then Sofia Falcone called. She wanted to meet with me so I did. She reminded me that since I was no longer under your protection, I needed new friends to keep me safe. She said she had big plans for Gotham and that I should work with her. She wanted me to help her with some of the more obstinate bosses who didn’t care for the Falcone name. Some of Fish and Maroni’s old goons, I suppose. I said  _ no, thanks _ . She didn’t seem too pleased about it so I expect her to retaliate soon. I’ve had a few attempts on my life already but I’m just too good at surviving.” she grinned, pleased with herself. “Then you showed up. And that’s it.” 

Oswald was silent for a moment, brows furrowed, the corners of his mouth turned downwards. 

“She’s wanted you on her side for some time now. Like that time she took you shopping. She must’ve been winning over my people one by one since the moment she arrived in Gotham.” he inhaled sharply. “She’s preparing to have me removed, that I understand. But what does Mr. Penn have to do with all of this? Why would he--” his face twisted into a mad grimace as realization dawned on him. “He’s been working for her the whole time! Giving her information about me! That’s how she knew where Ed and I were! That little weasel was working for Sofia the whole time!” 

“Oswald? Oswald, calm down.” 

“I’m gonna kill him! He’s gonna pay for this! I’m gonna kill him!” 

Oswald was having one of his fits. There was no calming him down at times like these, Barbara knew that. She was used to his tantrums by now so she just casually sipped from her drink while waiting for him to stop shaking. Then, when he stopped yelling and instead retreated into a more quiet but equally creepy repeat of  _ I’m gonna kill him _ , she put a hand on Penguin’s shoulder. 

“Breathe, Ozzy.” she said. “You won’t be able to kill him if  _ you  _ die first. Besides, Sofia still has Ed.” 

Oswald sucked in a deep breath, still shaking but slowly calming down. 

“Good point. We have little time. The exchange is tonight.” 

“He must be so worried about you.” Barbara muttered, shaking her head. 

Oswald frowned. “Who?” 

“Ed, of course. Knowing that you’re at Sofia’s mercy and he can’t even help you? He must be going insane wherever she’s holding him.” 

Oswald rolled his eyes. “I doubt he even cares about me.” 

“Why do you say that?” 

“You paid him to lie that he loved me, remember? He doesn’t care if I’m dead or alive.” 

“Oswald, I never paid him to lie to you. I just paid him to have sex with you. And even that he eventually refused. The payment, I mean, not the sex.” 

Oswald furrowed his brows. “What?” 

“The last time I saw him, that was a couple of weeks ago, he refused my money. He said he wanted to start a new life with you, Ozzy. But he was afraid you’d hate him if you knew the truth so he asked me to keep quiet.” 

“And you agreed?” 

“I did, yes.” 

“Why?” 

“Because he was making you happy.” she said earnestly. “I didn’t want to get in the way of that.” 

Oswald considered that. Ed loved him for real? It sounded fake. The thought that someone could actually love Oswald sounded too unbelievable. Perhaps Edward only found a better way to earn his living by being Oswald’s lover than Barbara’s associate. There must’ve been some other reason for him to end his deal with her. But love? That didn’t sound realistic at all. 

“Edward’s in love with you.” Barbara continued, pulling Oswald out of his thoughts. “I could tell. It was in his eyes. I thought you knew. That's why you want to save him, right? To be together?” 

Oswald swallowed nervously around the lump in his throat. He didn’t expect Edward to love him back. Still he wanted to save him despite that fact. Wasn’t that crazy? 

“Never mind that now. We don’t have much time.” He repeated with a sharp inhale. 

Barbara did not press the matter further and the two concentrated on the work at hand. 

~*~   

Edward cracked one eye open and let out a tired groan. So it was definitely not a dream and he was still tied up here, in one of Sofia Falcone’s safe houses. Since when did she even have safe houses? Oswald said she was not interested in Gotham’s criminal life. Apparently that information was fake, like Sofia herself was fake. She managed to fool Oswald and a part of Ed couldn’t help but feel a little guilty about it. Perhaps had Oswald not been so distracted with Ed he would’ve been at the top of his game and spot Sofia’s lies from a mile. Instead he was too preoccupied with all the feelings and emotions his relationship with Ed was awakening in him and that made him blind to everything else. Ed had tried to warn him, he had this bad feeling about Sofia Falcone since the beginning (and it was only partly due to jealousy) but Oswald didn’t listen. And now… Was Oswald in danger? Was he even alright? What was Sofia planning to do with him? 

Ed’s brain was suddenly overloaded again. He had to close his eyes for a moment and breathe. He could still see the heartbroken look on Oswald’s face, the pain in his eyes when he discovered the truth, the moment he lost Oswald’s trust… An unpleasant taste gathered in his mouth and Edward spit it out. It was blood. Well, of course it was blood. Sofia had a professional to torture him in hopes to gain some juicy information about Oswald. Edward was cuts and bruises all over. Blood was practically dripping from him, soaking his clothes and making them stick unpleasantly to his skin and his wounds. He was only alive because Sofia needed him to be. After every round of torture she’d call a doctor to stitch him up again so that he’d be relatively healthy. She was a twisted woman, that one. 

The place was dark, it smelled, it was very dirty and Ed was constantly in pain. On top of that he couldn’t stop worrying about Oswald, wondering what Sofia was doing to him.  

The door opened again and the bright light from the corridor almost blinded Edward. He heard the familiar sound of Sofia’s heels approaching. So she was here to interrogate him again. He gathered his courage. Pain was an old enemy. He hated pain, couldn’t stand it. It was triggering many of his old issues. But he had to be strong. For Oswald’s sake as well as for his own. Both emotionally and physically. 

“Mr. Nygma. How are you feeling today?” Sofia asked, stopping a few steps away from him as if cautious not to get blood on her white suit. 

“Couldn’t be better.” Ed replied with a wide bloody grin.  

Sofia glanced at someone in the shadows behind her. “Fix him.” she ordered. “I need him to look presentable for Penguin.” 

Ed swallowed down the fear that suddenly overtook him at the mention of Oswald. 

Sofia chuckled. “Don’t be so scared, Edward. I haven’t touched your little bird yet. I just need you in good condition because, as always, you’re the merchandise. And Oswald will meet me tonight to buy you. You for his place as King of Gotham.” 

Edward laughed. “Nope.” he shook his head. “He wouldn't do that. You’re very wrong if you think he’d give up his entire life’s work for someone who lied to him. You obviously don’t know him.” 

“You underestimate how strongly he feels about you.” Sofia said with poisonous sweetness in her voice. “He cares about you so much he’d save your life despite your hideous betrayal. How selfless, right? Must be true love.” 

Ed was terrified. This had to be some clever plan on Oswald’s part! He wouldn’t give everything up for Ed. He couldn't! Sofia was not to be trusted! Oswald had to know that!  

“I’m prepared for everything, you know.” Sofia said. “All of Penguin’s people work for me, even that sniveling little fool Mr. Penn. But Oswald’s probably figured that out already. So now he has no one to trust, no one to turn to. No one but Barbara Kean, that is.” She chuckled. “So he’d go to her, demanding explanations, needing her assistance, cooking up plans. He’d need her to have his back and she would, of course. She’d assure him passionately in her loyalty. How do I know that?” She chuckled unimpressed. “I have cameras and bugs hidden all over Miss Kean’s home. I know  _ everything  _ they communicate to one another. I have eyes and ears everywhere and all Oswald Cobblepot has is a broken heart, filled with disappointment and bitterness.” A cruel smile spread across her otherwise beautiful face. “I must thank you, Edward. You helped me very much. If it weren’t for you I would’ve needed to work harder and longer on my plan to destroy Penguin and take Gotham. But now, you’ve literally given me his head on a plate. Thank you very much for that.” She leaned in to look him in the eyes. “I realize you were caught in the crossfire. You’re just a little sex toy, wrong place wrong time, I get that. So I’m giving you a way out. But mind you, this is my last offer. Spill out everything you have on Oswald and I’ll let you walk free when all this is over. Turn against Oswald and break him completely. It’d be a good message for everyone. They need  _ to learn not to mess with me _ . So. Do we have an agreement?” 

Ed gathered as much spit and blood as he had in his mouth and spit it out as far as he could, hoping some of it got on Sofia’s white suit. “Here.” He said smugly. “I spilled out everything I had.”

That earned him another beating but it was worth the satisfaction of enraging Sofia Falcone. Eventually he was cleaned and prepared for the exchange, tied up tightly with a gag in his mouth. If only he could get his hands on something sharp, if only he could keep Oswald from walking into that trap. 

~*~   

When Oswald stepped under the Crown Point Bridge and walked towards Sofia Falcone who waited for him on the other side, he felt the blood rushing inside his head, almost making him dizzy. Ed was standing right next to Sofia, surrounded by Sofia’s goons. His hands were tied behind his back, he had duct tape on his mouth to keep him quiet. Oswald couldn’t help but notice that Ed looked tired, depressed, beaten. He realized with a start that Sofia had hurt him. Oswald could recognize a tortured man from a mile and there was no doubt, Edward had been tortured! 

“We had an arrangement that he’d be unharmed.” Oswald said, not showing his hurt and rage but rather going for masterful. 

“He fell a few times. So clumsy.” Sofia offered instead of an apology, smiling only a little. “Now, to business. Did you sign the papers?” 

Oswald held up the folder. “I thought you would like to witness it.” he said, taking another step forward. 

Sofia nodded. “Very well. You can sign them here.” 

With a sharp gesture of her hand she signaled to one of her men to step up and bend over in front of Oswald to be used instead of a table. It was a clear show of power but Oswald was unimpressed. Using people as furniture was hardly the sort of power play he was interested in. He waddled towards the man, cane in hand, and placed the folder on top of the goon’s broad back. 

“Such thoughtfulness.” he said with a fake smile. 

Sofia replied in kind and waited. 

As Oswald took out a pen from his pocket, he stole a few glances at Ed, hoping to somehow convey to him to not be afraid, that everything will be alright, that Barbara had their backs.  

“You know, Sofia,” he said thoughtfully, while examining the pen in his gloved hand, “despite your keen eye for details you still miss out the obvious. Your greatest mistake is that you think yourself unstoppable and therefore underestimate  _ me _ . You hurt Edward, you take away my empire, and you assume you’ll get away with it. Even after all your extensive research on me and my life you still haven’t learned the most vital lesson. I  _ always  _ come on top.” 

Sofia smirked, shaking her head. “You have nothing left, Penguin. You’re alone. Everything you love either belongs to me or  _ will  _ belong to me.” she said firmly. “There’s  _ nothing  _ left of you to underestimate.” 

“The name Falcone used to mean something in this town.” Oswald continued with conviction. “But you come here and make a fool of yourself, using love against me, aware that my heart is my greatest weakness. Your father used to know the meaning of honor.  _ You  _ clearly  _ do not _ . He would’ve been  _ disgusted  _ if he could see you now.” 

“Wrong! My father would’ve been proud!” Sofia insisted but Oswald could tell he struck a nerve. Her voice wavered a little as if she was struggling to keep her composure. 

He pressed further. “Must be hard to live your  _ whole life  _ trying to get daddy's approval. I, myself, can't relate, seeing as  _ my  _ parents loved  _ me  _ without condition.” 

A lightning flushed in Sofia’s eyes and she quickly pulled a knife, pressing it to Edward’s neck. “Do you want him to  _ die  _ before your eyes?” she gritted through her teeth. 

Oswald flinched. “Don’t hurt him!” he said quickly, gripping his cane tighter. “I submit.” he nearly barked at her. “Now let’s proceed.”

Sofia retrieved her knife and watched as Oswald leaned in to sign the full control of the underworld to her. Edward started uttering unintelligible sounds of protest. It seemed like he was trying to stop Oswald from signing the documents but Oswald gazed at him with a sad but warm smile. 

“Don’t worry, Edward. Everything will be alright soon.” he promised.  

He pressed his pen to the paper and scribbled on it. Sofia smirked as she watched him sign the papers. It was her victory. The reason she came to Gotham. She succeeded.

Once Oswald was done, he straightened up, looking at her defiantly as he handed table-man the folder. Sofia looked so smug when she received the papers. She pushed Ed to go walk towards Oswald and threw the key for his handcuffs on the ground. Oswald’s heart skipped a beat. He instantly loosened his grip on his cane, letting it slide away from his fingers, and dropped down in the dirt to get the key. 

“You know, Oswald,” Sofia said, keeping the folder close to her chest, “I could’ve respected you. You’ve created an empire all on your own, you literally held this entire town in the palm of your hand. You  _ were  _ the most powerful man in Gotham. You could’ve been an inspiration. If only you weren’t so weak and gullible.” 

Oswald knew she was trying to get a rise out of him but he wasn’t going to take the bate. He had Ed now, there was really no time for tantrums. They needed to get away from here as soon as possible. Oswald needed to get Ed to safety. So he ignored Sofia’s remarks and fumbled with Edward’s handcuffs instead.  

“Get in the car.” he whispered once Ed was uncuffed. 

Ed quickly reached up to remove the duct tape from his mouth, flinching slightly at the pain. 

“Oh, Oswald?” Sofia said, attracting his attention once again. “Before you go--” she tilted her head, pulling out her gun and pointing it at Penguin.  

“She’s gonna kill us both!” Ed cried out, throwing himself in front of Oswald just in time to save him from the bullet. 

Oswald fell down with a thud, gasping loudly as his body met the hard ground. Edward slid away from him and for a moment Oswald had the horrible thought that Ed was seriously injured. He opened his eyes quickly to find with relief that Ed was unharmed, lying on the ground next to him. After the initial terror of the thought that he’d lost Edward forever, Oswald’s fear was replaced with rage.  

“We had a deal, Sofia!” He barked. 

Sofia smirked. “As I said. Gullible.” She held up her gun again, ready to shoot at Oswald one more time. 

Oswald bared his teeth at her, hands clenched tightly into fists. He reached out for Ed, taking his hand and pulling him up to his feet. 

“And as  _ I  _ said, you miss the obvious. Barbara!” He cried out. 

Upon hearing her name Barbara Kean showed up from the shadows with a gun and a smile. She looked elegant as always and seemed to be in a very good mood. 

“It’s rude to start the party without me, y’know.” she teased. 

Oswald looked at Sofia triumphantly. “You try to shoot at me or Ed again and Barbara here will make sure you’re paralysed for life.” he said. 

Barbara pointed her gun at Sofia with a smirk and a small playful wave for a greeting. 

“Ed, the car. Now.” Oswald instructed. 

But to his great surprise Edward did not move. 

“Edward? The car!” Oswald insisted. He had a bad feeling in his stomach. Like something was about to go terribly wrong. 

“I’m not leaving you alone with them.” Was all Edward said and the words left Oswald even more perplexed. He had to get his revenge on Sofia first, duh. 

“I think what he means is that Barbara’s working for me.” Sofia interjected. “This is getting boring now, just get them.” 

Oswald cocked his head, eyes wide. “Barbara?” 

Barbara swiftly pointed the gun at Oswald and Edward. The smirk was gone from her face. She seemed deadly serious now. 

Oswald paled. “Barbara…?” 

“You didn’t think I’d actually follow through with our little arrangement, did you?” Barbara laughed. “I mean,  _ you gave me up _ ! You  _ believed  _ that I’d betray you when I was loyal to you.” She shook her head with disappointment. “You don’t deserve me, Ozzy.” 

“I thought we were friends…” Oswald whispered. There was no anger in his eyes anymore, only astonished disappointment and hurt. Barbara, too, had betrayed him. For real. And in what a spectacular way! Her betrayal was going to cause Edward his life. They were surrounded by Sofia’s goons and the one supporter they were supposed to have on this battlefield -- Barbara -- turned out to be working for the enemy. How could Oswald allow that to happen? 

Edward’s fingers found Oswald’s hand, brushing against him in apology or perhaps an attempt to ease Oswald’s obvious emotional pain. It was useless, they were both deadmen. One look from Sofia and they’d be shot dead. If they as much as move they’d be shot dead. There was no escape, no way out. 

“It was rather obvious that she’s on my side, Oswald. I’m surprised at you. So many slip ups.” Sofia tsked, faking regret. “Well, I guess we can kill them now, darling. Have it over with.” she told Barbara. “I’ve proven my point.” 

then turned to smile at Barbara. “Always a pleasure to see you.” 

“No!” Oswald gasped. “Please, Sofia!” he fell down to his knees, ignoring the pain in his bad leg. “Spare him.” he begged, causing Ed to gape at him in surprise. “Please, Sofia, spare him. I’ll do anything you want from me, just please, don’t kill Edward.” 

Sofia snorted. “What have  _ you  _ to offer  _ me _ ? I took everything from you already.” 

“Look at the papers.” Oswald said, still on his knees. 

“I don’t have time for this.” Sofia rolled her eyes. 

“Look at the papers.” Oswald repeated and something in his voice made Sofia shudder. 

She quickly opened the folder to examine the documents and instantly her face twisted in rage. “Damn you! You little bastard!” she cried out. 

“I guess gullibility is a flaw we both share.” Oswald said. 

“You didn’t sign the papers! You lied to me!” She growled angrily. 

Oswald shrugged. “I am the Penguin. Why are you so surprised?”   

Sofia was fuming. She looked like a rageful dragon ready to attack. “You really think this is funny? You thought you’d get away with this!?” she held up the folder. “You wrote  _ go to hell  _ on the papers instead of signing it! You deserve to die, Oswald!” 

Oswald shook his head. “You can’t kill me.” he said. “If I die my entire empire goes to charity.” 

“What!?” 

“Orphans.” Oswald let out a small nervous laugh. “I support this orphanage just outside Gotham. The moment I’m dead everything that I own goes to them. And everyone will know. You’ll be the laughing stock of Gotham’s underworld. No one would take you seriously after I outfoxed you like that.” 

“Shut up!” Sofia barked hastily. 

“But I’ll sign it all! For real this time, no tricks.” he continued. “I’ll sign everything to you. You can have it all! The Iceberg Lounge, the businesses, the weapons, the contracts, the art galleries and casinos…, everything you know I have and everything you don’t even suspect I have. My entire empire. You can have Gotham. Just… let Ed go.” he begged. “Let him live and don’t hurt him and I’ll give you all you ever wanted. This is what I have to offer.” 

Sofia considered it, taking a step closer and leaning in to be almost at eye level with Penguin. “You’re not asking for your life?” 

Oswald shook his head, closing his eyes with resignation. He knew it was too late for him. He was too dangerous, Sofia would never trust him not to have something up his sleeve again after what he just pulled. But there was still a chance for Ed. 

Sofia sucked in a deep breath. “You say you’d sign everything to me but that’s not enough anymore, Oswald. You tried to doublecross me.” 

“What do you want then? I’ll do  _ anything  _ just let him go!” Oswald pleaded. 

Sofia straightened up, looking down on him. “A life for a life.” she articulated. “ _ Your _ life for  _ his _ .” 

Edward clenched his hands into tight fists. “Oswald, don’t listen to her. She’s a manipulative--” 

“Done!” Oswald breathed, nodding in affirmation several times. 

Ed looked terrified. “Oswald…” he whispered, unable to finish his sentence. 

“But no tricks this time.” Sofia warned, signaling to her men to grab Ed again. 

“No need for that. I’ll be good.” Oswald said defeated. 

“No! Oswald, don’t!” Edward gasped. “Oswald, you can’t! I won’t let you!” 

Oswald looked at him and gave him a small smile. “It’s okay, Ed. Love is a sacrifice.” 

“No!” Edward cried out, tears welling up in his eyes as he tried to pull himself free from the grip of Sofia’s goons. 

Oswald’s eyes returned on Sofia. “Do I have your word that you won’t hurt him?” 

“Oswald, all I want is your empire and your demise. I don’t care if Nygma is dead or alive. You have my word.” Sofia said. 

Oswald nodded. “Let me sign then.” he said. He looked tired but very calm for once. 

Sofia handed him the folder once again. 

“Well, that’s what I call a party!” Barbara chuckled. She had been suspiciously quiet this whole time. 

Sofia exhaled sharply. “Not now, Barbara, darling.” 

Barbara snorted. “Of course, darling. What was I thinking?” She rolled her eyes. 

Then in a matter of seconds, before Sofia could even utter a sound, Barbara grabbed her from behind and pressed a knife to her neck. 

“Oh, darling?” she cooed sweetly. “I have a confession to make. Remember when you asked me to work for you and I said  _ yes _ ? Well.” she shrugged. “ _ I lied _ .” 

Sofia’s eyes went wide as she felt the cold blade slit her throat. Barbara released her hold on Miss Falcone, letting her gag, gasp and then eventually fall down to the ground in a pool of her own blood. 

“I thought a knife would be more suitable for you.” she told Sofia’s corpse and then looked back at Oswald and Ed. 

“You’re welcome.” Barbara winked at the both of them.  

Oswald gawked at her in shock and so did Ed, their expressions comically similar. The two exchanged a look and then gaped back at Barbara. 

Well, that was all good and well but their predicament was hardly any better now. Oswald looked around, expecting a shower of bullets from Sofia’s men but instead he saw them all putting their guns away. 

“That was fantastic, boys! You can all go have a milkshake now!” Barbara said loud enough to be heard by all of Sofia’s men. They started moving along, a few of them approaching Sofia’s body to take care of that situation. 

“What just happened?” Edward asked, still feeling quite uneasy. 

“It’s called good management, dear.” She smirked at him then extended a hand to Oswald who was still kneeling. “Come on, Ozzy. No need to ruin your suit completely in this dirt.” 

Oswald took her hand and allowed her to help him up. “I don’t understand. You didn’t betray us?” he asked, bewildered. 

“Why do you always assume I would!” Barbara rolled her eyes. “But no. I don’t want my friends dead, Ozzy.” she replied, suddenly getting very serious. “I couldn’t tell you the truth about Sofia when you came looking for me because she had bugged my entire home. I couldn’t risk her knowing I was still your friend. I had to appear to be on her side to get closer to her employees and her operations. So that I could do this.” Her hands gestured at the whole area to better present her point. “Besides, I’m sure there’s enough room in this town for the both of us, Penguin. This isn’t exactly the Wild West.” 

Oswald slowly took a step towards her, flinching slightly at the pain in his leg. 

“Barbara, I--” 

She held up her hand. “I believe you have someone else to talk about your feelings with.” She said, eyeing Edward. “I can imagine the two of you have a lot to talk about.” 

Oswald looked at Ed too and inhaled deeply. “First, he needs a proper doctor. And a new set of clothes.” 

~*~ 

They were surprisingly quiet on their way to the mansion. It was rather anticlimactic after everything that happened that evening. But it was also late and they were both very tired. So the silent car ride in the dark of night gave them a certain sense of peace that was quite welcome. 

The chauffeur parked before Oswald’s home in the early hours of the morning. Oswald’s personal physician was already waiting for them upon their arrival, ready to examine Edward. Oswald gave them some privacy in his own study, while he himself retreated to the hallway. As he paced nervously he glanced at the mirror and stopped to stare at his reflection. The man he saw in front of him looked terrible.  _ Oswald  _ looked terrible. His suit was in a disarray, his hair was a mess, his face… well… he never claimed to be handsome but now it seemed worse than ever. He looked exhausted and somehow older. On top of that, his limp was more prominent than usual after all the strain he had put on his leg. 

He swallowed hard. 

It didn’t matter. 

What he looked like didn’t matter.

He had no chance of winning Edward with his appearance anyway. 

But that didn’t matter either. So long as Eddie was alive and well everything else was irrelevant. This wasn’t meant to be their happy reunion. What Sofia did to them didn’t change the fact that Edward was paid to pretend to like him. And whatever Barbara thought she saw in Ed’s eyes, whatever affection she noticed before, was probably fake too. And, honestly, Oswald couldn’t be mad at Edward for it. He couldn’t blame him. Oswald was not made to be loved. Being too repulsive and abhorrent, he was not worthy of it. That was why he was better off alone. The pain of being alone was much more bearable than the agony of being hurt by the one person he loved more than anything in the world. 

He heard the door open and quickly took a step away from the mirror, giving his full attention to the doctor instead. 

“How is he?” Penguin asked, unable to hide his concern. 

“Other than a few cuts and bruises, the gentleman is fine.” the doctor assured. “I’ve taken care of him. Now all he needs is rest.” 

Oswald exhaled with relief. 

“You can go in, if you like. He’s really healthier than you made it sound over the phone.” The doctor said. 

Oswald bit his lip. “I wasn’t sure what had been done to him exactly. I was worried.” 

“I can tell you, if you like.”the doctor said. “Judging by the bruises and the cuts I conclude that whoever did that to him wanted to inflict pain without leaving injuries. But he can tell you more about that himself.”

Oswald nodded. “Thank you, doctor.” 

“It’s always my pleasure to help you, Mr. Cobblepot. I’ve looked after your father’s health. Of course, I’d look after yours as well, and that extends to your friends’ too.” the man reassured and smiled, clearly remembering Oswald’s father, Elijah. “You can go talk to Mr. Edward now. I have a feeling he could use a friend.”

Oswald hesitated. This would be the first time he and Ed would talk properly after Oswald found out the truth. He wasn’t sure what to say and it made him uncertain and disconcerted. He wanted to see Ed but at the same time he didn’t want to face him. 

“Well, I’ll be off, Mr. Cobblepot.” the doctor said. “If anything comes up, you know where to find me.” 

They bid their goodbye and Oswald was left staring at the door. He inhaled deeply, doing his best to calm himself, and then stepped into his study. 

Edward glanced at him as he entered. He didn’t say anything, sitting on the sofa quietly. He was biting at his lower lip as if Oswald’s presence was making him nervous. Oswald imagined it would. The situation between them was quite awkward. Oswald had declared his feelings for Ed on more than one occasion, his sentiment was clearly one-sided and that was putting the other man in a very unpleasant position. He probably felt disgusted to have a freak like Penguin to love him. 

Oswald clenched his fists to prevent the tears that were once again welling up in his eyes. 

“The doctor says you just need rest.” he finally spoke. His voice sounded surprisingly calm, considering the inner turmoil of emotions he was currently going through. “You can use your old room to wash up, change your clothes and lie down.”

“Oswald…” Edward uttered and Oswald hurriedly added. 

“I won’t be bothering you, of course.” he reassured. “And you can also--”

“I thought you were mad at me.” Edward interrupted, looking down at his hands. 

Oswald inhaled sharply. What was he supposed to say to that? How could he explain something he couldn’t understand himself. 

“I were.” he finally said. “And in a way I still am. I hate to be lied to.” 

Edward nodded his understanding. “What I don’t get though is why, if you hate me as you say, why was this on the couch?” 

Edward held up his old t-shirt -- the one Oswald used to snuggle with like a pathetic lovesick idiot. 

Oswald paled. “That-- It must’ve slipped with my laundry.” he muttered unconvincingly. He was so transparent! The t-shirt obviously smelled like a mixture of Ed and Oswald from all the cuddle action it got. Edward with his keen nose definitely caught up on that. 

Even if he did, though, he said nothing of it. Only bit back his grin and Oswald thought he noticed a small flush. 

“You saved me.” Ed then said in awe. There was a bit of awkwardness audible in his voice, a tension he could not will away. “I didn’t think you would.” 

“Don’t mention it.” Oswald waved it off, trying hard to remind himself that the affectionate look on Edward’s face was gratitude, not love. “It’s the least I could do. You got dragged in this whole criminal affair because of me.” 

“Oh, that’s fine. I dabble in art theft every now and then.” Ed said casually. 

Oswald blinked surprised. “Pardon?” 

“I steal art from galleries, museums and collectors and I leave riddles for them instead. The whole gigolo thing is just for fu--” at the last moment he corrected the word  _ fun  _ to, “--alibi.” 

“Alibi.” Oswald repeated. 

“Mhm. It’s really helpful. I had rich clients and most of them took me to their homes or to exhibitions if they wanted some arm candy for the events. So I got the perfect opportunities to check out the security systems first hand before I go for it.” 

“Go for it?” 

“The robberies.” Ed said. “Perhaps you’ve heard of me? They call me The Riddler.” 

Oswald’s eyes went wide. “ _ You _ ’re the Riddler!?” 

Edward grinned proudly. “I am.” 

“But how, I--” Oswald knitted his eyebrows together. “Is this another lie? I’ve had my people investigate into these robberies. They tried to discover the Riddler’s identity but no one ever knows anything about him. You could easily be pulling my leg now.” 

Edward chuckled. “I guess that’s true. Perhaps you’ll never know for sure and that would be the real riddle.” he winked. 

Oswald felt his heart skip a beat at that. He was sure he was flustered under Ed’s gaze and that was embarrassing. Oswald was the older man, the one with more power, he was supposed to be immune to Ed’s charm. Or at least to not show the effects it had on him. 

He cleared his throat. “Were you going to rob me too?” he asked.  

Ed chuckled. “I had considered it…” he admitted. “When Barbara first came to me. It was a dream come true. You do have a fine taste, Mr. Penguin. I’ve been wanting to rob you for some time.” 

Oswald blinked at him, not quite sure what to say. Ed always managed to render him speechless somehow. 

“At first I thought of you as a challenge, someone to test my limits with. Then I had my eye on several priceless works of art that you have here. I can tell you later what your security flaws are.” 

“Oh, you would, wouldn’t you. How nice of you.” Oswald said, not without sarcasm. 

“Yes.” Edward chuckled. “But that was in the beginning. Then I got to know you and I my eyes were set on a different work of art -- the best one of all.” 

Oswald frowned, slightly confused. “Which one is that?” 

Edward leaned in and whispered. “Your heart.” 

Oswald’s breath hitched. “Edward, I--” 

“No, let me speak. Please.” Ed sucked in a deep breath. “Oswald, I am so sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I lied to you. At first it was just a job and then I was too afraid I’d lose you. So I couldn’t tell you the truth. But I meant what I said in the lodge. I do love you. I really actually truly fell in love with you. I didn’t even want to, it just happened without my consent, it’s annoying!” 

“I know! It is!” Oswald agreed, chuckling. Tears were budding in his eyes again. 

“Yeah.” Ed chuckled too. “But it happened and I’m so glad it did.” A warm smile graced his face. “I love you, Oswald. Please, give me a second chance? Please, forgive me!” 

Oswald’s eyes were glassy with tears. “Ed… I do forgive you. And I do love you. But you already know that…” 

“I had my suspicions when you offered to die for me.” Ed teased. “That was sort of a giveaway.” 

Oswald blushed some more. “Ed, I love you more than I can explain, against reason, against sanity. But…” he sighed. “I’m not sure I can give us a second chance.” 

Ed’s face fell. He looked down at the floor. “I understand.” he finally whispered. “Trust is so very hard to earn. And I lost yours.” 

Oswald shook his head. “It’s not just that.” he said. “I can trust you again. You saved my life, too, remember? But I don’t think I can give you what you want, what you deserve in a relationship.” 

Edward frowned. “What do you mean?”  

“Look at me, Ed! I’m not made for… for  _ this _ ! It’s all new to me and I’ve no idea how to do it properly! I’ll screw it up and hurt us both.” 

“You mean like I did? Oswald, relationships are hard. And each one is unique. We both have to work on it, together. That’s the point. I may have had lots of lovers but when it comes to emotional relationships my inexperience matches yours.” Edward confessed. “This is new to me too. But I feel it’s worth to try it because I know I can only be happy with you. If only you feel the same too.” 

Oswald took a moment to look at Edward’s face. The other man’s eyes were filled with promise and love. The kind of love one could not be faking. 

“I feel the same.” Oswald finally said. “I know I can only be happy with you. And I want to have you in my life.”

Edward smiled hopeful. “Then…?”

Without even realizing it Oswald returned the smile, feeling like his heart was about to burst out of his chest. “I want to choose bravery, Ed. I want to give us another chance. To have a clean start, to keep the good from the past months and forgive the bad.”

“That sounds wonderful!” Edward exclaimed. He couldn't contain his joy. He took Oswald’s hands in his, holding them tightly as if afraid he’d lose Oswald again. Then his smile turned into a cheeky grin. “Now what was that about you always coming on top?” he muttered, voice low. 

Heat rose to Oswald’s cheeks instantly. “You’re unbelievable! We’ve only just made up and you’re already-- You’ll never stop with the innuendo, will you?”

“Not unless you ask me.” Edward’s grin melted into something softer and he brought their foreheads together. “I’d do anything for you, Oswald.” he said heartfelt. It sounded a lot like a vow. 

Oswald could hear his heart beating loudly in his chest. He leaned up and wrapped his arms around Ed, holding him tightly and finally feeling like their troubles were behind them. 

“Then love me. I don’t ask for anything but that. Your love.” 

“You have it! I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” 

They remained like that for a while, foreheads pressed together, breathing each other’s air, finally feeling at peace. For that moment the rest of the world was gone and it was just the two of them, suspended in time. The only discomfort were the dirty clothes and their considerable exhaustion. 

Ed was the first to pull away. “Now,” he smirked, “let’s go to your room and get rid of these clothes.” 

Oswald grinned and nodded. They hurried up the stairs as much as they could, considering their state of extreme tiredness and hastily undressed one another. Then they took a quick shower which was mostly just them actually cleaning one another. Ed was still covered in dried blood and Oswald felt all sweaty and dirty from earlier. But then they went to bed, and, oh, that was sublime! Because the moment they pressed their tired heads to the pillows they both instantly fell into a deep and rewarding sleep, too exhausted to even kiss properly. 

~*~ 

_ A few weeks later…  _

 

“Are you ready? We’ll be late!” Oswald impatiently tapped the floor with his cane. 

“I want to look good.” Edward insisted, fussing with his stylish new green suit in front of the mirror. 

Oswald rolled his eyes. “Really, Ed! You had a whole morning to get dressed. I wear far more layers than you and I was ready in time.” 

“Why are you so nervous about it anyway? It’s not like you’ve never been to that orphanage before.” 

Oswald swallowed. “Well… there’s this little boy there… he’s 9. And… I want you to meet him.” 

“Why?” Ed tilted his head, not quite pleased with his tie. 

“Because he’s-- he’s a nice kid.” Oswald muttered. 

Ed arched an eyebrow. “Mr. Penguin.” he said teasingly. “Are you trying to tell me you have a secret illegitimate son that I didn’t know of?” 

It was supposed to be a joke. Nothing more. But Oswald’s face… it did something weird. 

Edward paled and turned to face Oswald, forgetting all about the mirror and the suit. 

“Oh, my God. You have a son!? How--?” 

“He’s not my son. Well, at least not biologically.” Oswald said. “But-- Ed, I really love this kid. I wish he were my son.” 

Edward’s heart melted. Oswald was so adorable! How was he doing that? How could the scariest man in Gotham be this cute little vulnerable thing at the same time? Only Oswald! 

Ed took a step closer to wrap his arms around Oswald’s shoulders. “Let’s go meet that boy then.” he said with a wide grin. 

Oswald looked relieved and hopeful. “Really?” 

Ed nodded. “Yes. I’d love to see him. I hope he’d like me.” 

“I’m sure he would.” Oswald beamed. “He likes riddles and puzzles.” 

“I love him already.” Ed grinned and hooked his hand under Oswald’s. “What’s his name?” 

“Martin.” Oswald replied as they headed towards the door. 

“Oh. Good. I get along excellently with Martins.” 

Oswald was outraged. “Edward!” he gasped. He didn’t want to hear about Ed’s previous lovers! Least of all did he want to have their son named after one of them. 

“My grandfather. What did you think?” Edward chuckled. “His name was Martin too. He was the only person who ever truly loved me in my family.” he bit his lip, feeling a little exposed like he always did whenever he mentioned his childhood. Opening up about it was still difficult but it was better with Oswald by his side. “My life turned into a living hell after he died…” 

Oswald gave Edward’s hand a gentle squeeze. “You have a new family now. A real one.” he smiled. 

Edward looked at him again and smiled back. “Yes. I do. I love you, Oswald.” 

“I love you too.” 

They shared a quick kiss before Oswald pushed Ed out of the door so that they could finally visit the orphanage and meet with Martin. 

~*~ 

There was a knock on Barbara Kean’s door. When she opened she saw a gorgeous woman, dressed in leather with a whip on her hip. 

“Hi. I’m Tabitha. Penguin sends me. He told me to give you this.” she handed Barbara an envelope. 

 

_ “Dear Barbara,  _

 

_ This is Tabitha. She is a henchwoman and I’m sending her to you so that you finally stop nagging me about it. However, she’s not there to kill you (more like to work with you), still I’m sure she can take your breath away. She has her methods. I know the two of you would be a powerful and unstoppable force, and that your cooperation would most likely bring very satisfactory results.  _

 

_ P.S. Also I hear she likes blondes.  _

 

_ Your friend, Oswald”  _

 

THE END 


End file.
